Friday Fun Stuff – 7-11-25

A Song for Anti-Vaxxers – Flo & Joan

Feuding Parents – MADtv

5 Kinds Of Sex

1 . The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room

How Long Was This Guy Married?

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, he pays the $500 and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea … it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.”

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. The coffin will be closed.

Emotional Support Meemaw

Quotes from the 73-year-old woman who sits in the back of my ethics class and knits during lectures:

“Sweetheart, if they text you after 11 p.m., it’s not ethics. It’s hormones.”

“I didn’t come here to get a degree. I came here to see what the youth are stressed about and bring snacks accordingly.”

“He ghosted you? oh honey. Block him and light a candle for yourself.”

“I once survived a cheating husband, a power outage, and disco. You can survive this exam.”

“You don’t need closure, you need carbs and a nap.”

“She said she’s ‘not ready for a relationship’? That’s code for she doesn’t want you, sugar. Take the L with grace.”

“I’ve been knitting a scarf while you all unravel emotionally. Poetic, isn’t it?”

“He’s cute, but does he ask follow-up questions? no’ then he’s decorative.”

“Professor, I respectfully disagree, and I brought a bibliography.”

“You’ll be fine. The world is messy, but so is banana bread — and everyone loves that.”

How Much Is He Getting Paid?

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s t-boi, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of jack Daniel’s Tennessee honey and a dozen Bush Lights every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

How To Act Like An Adult

1. Wear adult clothes. Do not wear baby clothes. Those are for babies.
2. Carry a briefcase. Do not carry a doll’s head and mutter, “Come with me, my sweet little head.”
3. Get a job. Do not get a job as a candle Jumper. That is not a job.
4. Buy a house. Fill it with relics. Shame is not a relic.
5. Eat salads. Great glorious salads. No more meatloaf in the dark. No more taffy in bed. Why are you crying?
6. Ride horses. Do not ride policemen. You will be arrested.
7. Take a trip to Las Vegas. I’m sorry, you must.
8. Cough quietly. Never cough up a coin or a white stone or anything that may cause a person to point at you and exclaim THAT IS A CHILD.
9. Pray nightly. Say, ‘God, please make it so.” It will not be so. And yet, and yet.
10. Remain cheerful. Chin up is a yes. Chin down is a no.

Kiss The Frog My Ass

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hops into the princess’ lap and says, “My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, “I don’t fuckin’ think so.”

Phrases To Destroy Anyone’s Ego

1. “If self-awareness were a class, you’d still fail.”
2. “Congratulations, you’ve made it all about you again.”
3. “For someone who talks so much, you say very little that matters.”
4. “It’s impressive how you manage to be your own worst enemy.”
5. “You’re living proof that arrogance doesn’t equal intelligence.”
6. “Funny how you’re always right, yet nothing in your life is going right.”
7. “You’re great at pretending to listen, I’ll give you that.”
8. “Your biggest achievement is your inflated ego, and even that’s not impressive.’
9. “You’re more committed to being right than being happy.”
10. “You’re exhausting to be around, emotionally and mentally.”
11. “I didn’t expect you to be consistent; that’s on me.”
12. “Your opinion of me doesn’t affect my life one bit.”
13. “If you can’t be real with yourself, how could I expect you to be real with me?”
14. “You’re just noise at this point.”
15. “Thanks for the reminder of why I keep my standards high.”
16. “You’re proof that not everyone deserves a second chance.”
17. “You bring nothing to the table except drama.”
18. “You’re not as relevant as you think you are.”
19. “It must be exhausting always needing validation.”
20. “You’re living proof that being loud doesn’t make you right.”
21. “I’m not interested in explaining myself to someone who doesn’t listen.”
22. “Your biggest achievement is pretending to care.”
23. “It’s funny how you think I need your approval.”
34. “You confuse arrogance with confidence…and it shows.”

So That’s How Gloves Are Made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

‘Do you know how they make these gloves? he asked.’

‘No, I don’t, she replied.’

‘Well,’ he spoofed, there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’

She didn’t crack a smile.

‘Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

‘What’s so funny?’ he asked.

‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Ways To Say Fuck Off

1. Screw you.
2. I envy those that haven’t met you.
3. Spare me the pleasure of your company.
4. Piss off.
5. I liked you better as a stranger.
6. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
7. I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
8. I will let you know when you matter.
9. I’ll pray for you.
10. Go to hell.
11. I’m going to fuck off now, I think you should too.
12. Go forth and NOT multiply.
13. Bugger off.
14. Well, then Fuck You.
15. Don’t you have to be stupid somewhere else?
16. You know what I like about you? Nothing.
17. I wish to never see you again.
18. Go step on a Lego.
19. Kiss my ass.
20. Buzz off.
21. If I never hear you speak again it will still be far too soon.
22. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
23. What’s your name again?
24. Silence.