Guy Stuff – Jokes – Lists

Dream Girl Sayings
1. I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God…if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!
6. I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You’re so sexy when you’re hung over.
8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.
12. I’ll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year for Christ’s sake. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.
26. I’m finished, so whenever you’re done…

Now wake up!
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Male Drinking Habits
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
• Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
• Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
• Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
• Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
• White Zin: He’s gay.
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Modern British Humor
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did….she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same caliber.”

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Q: What’s the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend – Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words — B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot..”

Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”

On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”
Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single -mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people” isn’t the right answer. They’ve sent my form back!

Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program’s called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
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New Inventions By Blondes
• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlights
• Submarine screen doors
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart boards
• A dictionary index
• Powdered water
• Pedal powered wheel chairs
• Water proof tea bags
• Watermelon seed sorter
• Zero proof alcohol
• Reusable ice cubes
• See through toilet tissue
• Skinless bananas
• Do it yourself roadmap
• Helicopter ejector seat
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Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
• Dogs love it when your buddies visit.
• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
• Dogs never worry about germs.
• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
• Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.
• Dogs parents never visit.
• Dogs have no use for jewelry, flowers and expensive gifts.
• Dogs don’t notice if you forget their birthday.
• Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
• A dog’s disposition remains the same all month long.
• Dogs forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs never keep you waiting. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs won’t borrow your shirts.
• Dogs don’t care if you give away their offspring.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
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Twenty Things Guys Learn From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.
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A Guy's Guide To Life
• Old people always have exact change.
• Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom “the little boys room.”
• Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.
• Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
• White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.
• No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, “Yeah, right” without sounding sarcastic.
• Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.
• The dumber the man, the louder he talks.
• The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.
• Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.
• The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
• Walking into staples and shouting, “Hey, where are the staples?” isn’t funny.
• Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.
• Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.
• Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
• There’s a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.
• People who begin sentences by saying “With all due respect,” are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.
• There’s no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.
• The best villains have accents and walk slowly.
• The wackier a doctor’s neckties, the less prestigious his medical school.
• Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.
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Men: Too Much to Drink?
If one or more of the following apply to you, at social events, it’s time to slow the flow, Bro.

•You notice your tie sticking out of your fly
•You start kissing portraits on the wall
•You refill your glass from the fish bowl
•You pick up a roll, then butter your watch
•You suggest everyone stand and sing the National Budget
•You say, “Allow me to introduce my selves” to a blonde
•You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s butt
•You drop chips in a woman’s lap, pick ‘em up & resume eating them
•You’ve forgotten where you live
•You have to be at work in less than 3 hours
•You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels oddly like a pizza
•Dimly, you hear someone yell “Call a priest!”
•Your hugs look more like wrestling take-down moves
•You wonder why everyone’s so mean and aggressive
•You try to convince the hostess urine is good for plants
•You start to wonder where all the cute chicks came from
•You feel the house is rockin’…literally!
•You forgotten whom you brought to the party
•You prefix everything with: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
•You try to pick-up your ex-wife
•You’re looking at women’s legs…from the floor
•You decide if you had your life to live over not to do it
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Great Reasons To Be A Guy
•Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
•Your orgasms are real. Always.
•Your last name stays put.
•The garage is all yours.
•Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
•Wedding plans take care of themselves.
•You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
•Chocolate is just another snack.
•You can be president.
•You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
•Foreplay is optional.
•Car mechanics tell you the truth.
•You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
•The world is your urinal.
•Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
•You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
•Same work…more pay.
•Wrinkles add character.
•You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
•Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. ‘Nuff said.
•If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
•People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
•Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
•The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
•New shoes don’t cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
•Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
•Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
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Rules For A Gunfight
Drill Sergeant Joe B. Fricks
My memories of BCT at Ft. Benning | Drill Sgt (E-7) Joe B. Frick

1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap – life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap – funerals are expensive
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell “Fire!” Why “Fire”? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will…. and who is going to summon help if you yell “Intruder,” “Glock” or “Winchester?”
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on “pucker factor” than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work. “No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy.”
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheet rock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don’t drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That’s how you live if hit in your “good” side.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don’t (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than “4″.
25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. “All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket.” At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
28. The only thing you EVER say afterwards is, “He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m very upset now. I can’t say anything more. Please speak with my attorney.”

Finally, Drill Sergeant Frick’s Rules For Un-armed Combat.
1: Never be unarmed.
2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.
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What Is A Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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Why Men Are Just Happier People
•What do you expect from such simple creatures?
•Your last name stays put.
•The garage is all yours.
•Wedding plans take care of themselves.
•Chocolate is just another snack.
•You can never be pregnant.
•You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
•You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
•Car mechanics tell you the truth.
•The world is your urinal.
•You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
•You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
•Same work, more pay.
•Wrinkles add character.
•Wedding dress $5000.
•Tux rental-$100.
•People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
•New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
•One mood all the time.
•Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
•You know stuff about tanks.
•A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
•You can open all your own jars.
•You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
•If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
•Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
•Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
•You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
•Everything on your face stays its original color.
•The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
•You only have to shave your face and neck.
•You can play with toys all your life.
•One wallet and one color for all seasons.
•You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
•You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
•You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
•You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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List Of Rules Of Being A Guy
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach….and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.

Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally…Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
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Modern Words
* SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
* AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* TRAMP STAMP: Lower back tattoo on a female
* PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks
* BOBFOC: A Woman who looks great from behind but hideous from the front: “Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch”
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Phrases Guys Should Never Say To Girls During Sex
01. “Do you mind if my cat watches?”
02. “Tell me I’m your first”
03. “Get me moist.” * pushes head down *
04. “I want to smack your face with my D.”
05. “I want you to choke on my fat cock.”
06. “Swallowing cum is healthy for you.”
07. “It’s easier for me if you just swallow.”
08. “Let’s get your juices flowing.”
09. “Let’s make a deal. How about you give me a blow job?” (that’s it, that’s the whole deal)
10. “You’re going to soak the sheets.”
11. “I just want to eat DAT ASS.”
12. “Let me nibble on your nipples.”
13. “Are you sure you don’t want to? Are you REALLY sure you don’t want to? C’mon, are you positive you don’t want to?”
14. “I’m sorry, I just can’t really *do* condoms.”
15. “Can I fuck you like a dog?” (um do you mean doggie style? Or are you going to be pretending I’m a dog?)
16. “I’m about to tear that pussy up.”
17. “I wanna beat that pussy up.”
18. “Can’t wait to pound that pussy.”
19. “Why are you so tight?”
20. “Let me hit it raw.”
21. “IT’S IN!” (a la Mclovin in Superbad)
22. “Is this it? Is this it? How about this?”
23. “Do you do anal? Do you do anal? Do you do anal? Do you do anal? Do you do anal?”
24. “Let me stick it.”
25. “I like watching your body fat jiggle when I fuck you.”
26. “You’re so ~exotic~.”
27. “Do I have ear wax? Can you see any?”
28. “Did you cum yet? Cause I really need to…”
29. “Why haven’t you cum yet?”
30. “Can I nut?”
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