The Great Pie Fight
The Worst Guy to Run Into After the Apocalypse
Australian Tourist Website
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Pets & Kids
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
10 Signs You Are Dealing With A Dumb Criminal
1) He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2) He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3) Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4) You caught him driving a stolen car with “The Club” still on.
5) He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6) He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of “Yo’momma” one liners.
7) He makes himself laugh every time he says he’s innocent.
8) He claims diplomatic immunity because he’s a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9) He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
10) He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snuggle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot-weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze,
flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship…
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
Great Bar Room Signs
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durha , NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
It’s hard to make a comeback, when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York .
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ
You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s ,CA
And perhaps the most realistic one
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears: ‘You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what Martha?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck.
1. ARBITRAITOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
2. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE; What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER: Clumsy ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
7. COUNTERFEITER: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
9. LEFT BANK: What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
10. HEROES: What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES: What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST: A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE: What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE: Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
20. PARADIGMS: Twenty Cents
21. INUENDO: Directions for preparation H
22. BIGAMIST: An Italian Fog
Well How Did You Think It Got Clean
A number of girls in middle school were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Men & Women
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man…
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die…
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
It’s a long way to go for a punch line but it’s worth it!
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings,Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’ The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’ The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s naughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’
‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’