NASA Satellite Falls On Car
The Word Fuck
10 Signs You Are Dealing With A Dumb Criminal
1) He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2) He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3) Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4) You caught him driving a stolen car with “The Club” still on.
5) He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6) He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of “Yo’momma” one liners.
7) He makes himself laugh every time he says he’s innocent.
8) He claims diplomatic immunity because he’s a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9) He asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
10) He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Australian Tourist Website
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
Don’t Blame Me You’re the One Who Read It
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.
“Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him….. Sum Ting Wong”
Great Bar Room Signs
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durha , NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
It’s hard to make a comeback, when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York, New York .
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ
You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s ,CA
And perhaps the most realistic one
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX
Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove and the table set.
She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it.
“We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”
“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.
“Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired.”
What Did They Say?
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”
5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”
6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”
8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?”
What The Hell Are You Doing!
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“This morning I was outside milking.”
“As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied her left leg to a pole.”
I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right leg to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.
As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!
Love and Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling (??) on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing’s in the bank
Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws (????)
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”
Who Says Rabbi’s Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it’s being stored at the Priest’s house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, “What are you doing?”
The Priest responded, “I’m blessing the car.”
So the Rabbi said “Okay, since we’re doing that….” and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
Oh Come On, Who Ever Heard Of A Possessed Mountain
What? It Was A T.V. Show! Honest!
Just Put It In His Baby Bottle
The Mutts Got Spirit But I’ll Still Put A 100 On The Tiger
Which Is One Step Up From Just Lovely
I’ll Never Complain About Are Break Room Again
Ok But That Leaves A Lot Of Open Territory Don’t You Think?
Drop The Camera And Help Me Dammit!!!
Why That’s Quite Humorous