Faking Orgasms For Dummies – SCTV 1977
Hot for Teachers w/ Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
Bumper Stickers
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore
• CAUTION: I brake just for the hell of it!
• CAUTION: I drive like you do
• Don’t drink and drive…
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
• Eat Lamb: 50,000 Coyotes can’t be wrong
• HEY YOU!!! Hang-up and drive DAMMIT!!!
• I killed a 6-pack…Just to watch it die
• I know what you’re thinking…Shame on you!!!
• I love animals…they’re delicious
• I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
• I said “NO” to drugs…but they just wouldn’t listen
• If you can read this…I’ve lost my trailer
• If you’re gonna “Moon”…Make sure your butt’s clean first
• I’m driving this way just to piss you off
• I’m not a tourist…I live here
• I’m not dumb or deaf I just like to block your way
• MAKE LOVE NOT WAR…See driver for details
• WARNING: I failed my urine test
How Did We Get So Many Of These In Power?
The Word of the Day Is: SHIT BISCUIT (n.)
A walking disaster disguised as a functioning adult. Crispy on the outside, absolute garbage on the inside, usually loud, confidently and somehow always involved in shit they had no business touching in the first place.
Health Question & Answer Session
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products [unless your Jewish ]
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO…… Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
If You Have To Ask You Can’t Afford It
A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.
Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a handsome young salesman.
“Good day Madam, how may I help you?” Very uncomfortably. she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?”
He answers, “Madam, I’m afraid I can’t say. If you farted just touching it, you’re going to crap yourself when you hear the price.”
In Case You Thought You Had A Bad Day….
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax handle, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There, now! Your day’s not so bad after all, is it?
Not Exactly Romantically Compatible
A husband, being romantic sort, sent his wife a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The wife, typically non-romantic, replied:
“I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Phrases For Your “Out-Of-The-Office” E-Mail Auto-Reply…
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message
7. ‘The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
10. I am on vacation. Your e-mail has been deleted.
11. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
12. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
13. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Dave’.
Ok, Now It Makes Sense
Dear Men,
When A Woman Says She’s “Running 5 Minutes Late” Please Understand That’s Girl Time.
Think 5 Minutes Left In The 4th Quarter, Both Teams Have All Their Timeouts, There’s A Commercial Break Coming, And Overtime Is Still Very Much On The Table.
We’ll Get There When We Get There. Hope That Helps.
Story Of Two Cows . . . Worldwide
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
JAMAICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They are both stoned.
NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have no cows.
You have a billion sheep all of which you love.
SWISS CORPORATION
Don’t know how many cows they have as this information is confidential.
MEXICAN CORPORATION
You have lots of cows.
You don’t know where they are but they were last seen running up interstate 5 towards California.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Well Living Like That What Did You Think He Would Say?
A woman was taking a pleasant stroll through a quiet neighborhood when she spotted a wrinkled, weathered little man rocking contentedly in a chair on his front porch.
Enchanted by his serene expression, she walked up the garden path, leaned over the railing, and said, “Excuse me, sir, but I couldn’t help noticing just how peaceful and genuinely happy you look. Tell me, what’s your secret to living such a long, joyful life?”
The man smiled thinly through yellowed teeth and replied, “Well, ma’am, I smoke three packs of unfiltered cigarettes every single day.”
“Really?” she asked, surprised.
“Oh, absolutely. I also polish off a full case of whiskey every week, eat greasy, fatty foods for every meal, and I have never exercised a single day in my life.”
The woman gasped in astonishment. “That is downright miraculous! If you don’t mind me asking, just how old are you?”
He paused his rocking, looked her dead in the eye, and said:
“Twenty-six.”
Because Kids Belong Behind Bars
Sorry Honey I Haven’t Seen Him
But Dad, I Don’t Want To Take A Bath!
Whatever It Takes
Somehow If Someone Actually Found One Of Those, I Feel Like They Would Charge Extra
Modern Romance
It’s All In How You Ask The Question
Do I Still Need To Add Water?
We Really Do Laminate Everything!
You Know Some Kids Had To Have Asked
