George Carlin – Rules – 1976
George Carlin – Religion is Bullshit
Great Quotes By George Carlin
Happy Birthday George
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you: ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is: ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.’”
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, for strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
Funny Bumper Stickers
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
• Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Universal Resume Translator
“I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS”:
I’m currently on long term Prozac treatments
“I AM ABLE TO TAKE THE TIME TO INTERACT WELL”:
I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks
“I HAVE STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS”:
I talk too much
“I’M PROUD OF MY ORGANIZATION SKILLS”:
I love to tell other people what to do
“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION”:
I’ve used Microsoft Office some
“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE”:
I only pilfer office supplies
“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES”:
To say nothing of all the Mc Jobs I’ve had
“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK”:
I blame others for my mistakes
“I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED”:
I keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room
“I HAVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR”:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly
“I’M PERSONABLE AND INTERESTED IN OTHERS”:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers
“I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE”:
I’ve just been evicted again
“I HAVE A STABLE PERSONAL LIFE”:
Once I finish with this latest divorce, that is
“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL”:
I have one of those Day-Timer thingees
“MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS”:
At that piddling salary, you’re lucky to get anyone
“I AM ADAPTABLE”:
I’ve changed jobs a lot
“I AM ALWAYS ON THE GO”:
I’m never at my desk
“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED”:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there
“I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING”:
My probation officer says I’m a natural student
“I INTERACT WELL WITH ALL CO-WORKERS”:
All those sexual harassment charges were a sham
“I HAVE A PLEASANT PHONE MANNER WITH LOTS OF EXPERIENCE”:
I’m always making personal telephone calls
“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON”:
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for a stupid form letter thanking me for my interest & wishing me luck in my future career
So this is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which the man answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question. I’ll bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there, I’m just saying.
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
TRAFFIC LIGHT — apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE — postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER — early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE — some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.
SWIMMING POOL — a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL — the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN — man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.
EGOCENTRIC — a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn’t a western.
OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
I’ve Learned That:
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes…After that, you’d better have lots of money
Money cannot buy happiness…It can let you look in better places though
You shouldn’t compare yourself to others…They are more messed-up than you think
Heavy smokers should save their cigarette filters…They make excellent insulation for one’s attic
You should always leave loved ones with loving words…You may need to borrow money
Either you control your attitude…Or you will be put on medication
Your family won’t always be there for you…Unless, of course, you win the lottery
No matter how you try to guide your children…They may eventually get arrested and appear in the newspaper
You cannot make someone love you…All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
You can avoid high blood pressure by cutting yourself…Bleed for a while & reduce the pressure in your veins
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of the microwave…It’ll show you if microwaves are leaking if the bar melts
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock…Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
You should Love your neighbor…Just make sure her husband isn’t home first
If it weren’t for humor…We might never get at the truth
You should never get in a fight with an ugly guy…He has nothing to lose
If at first you don’t succeed…You’ll get lots of advice
Pick Up Line Responses
These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:
Pick Up Line: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I and U together
Female Response: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put F and U together
Pick Up Line: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Female Response: did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell???
Pick Up Line: Where have you been all my life
Female Response: Hiding from you….how the hell did you find me?
Pick Up Line: I would die for you…
Female Response: Prove it!
Pick Up Line: I’m all you’ve got good lookin’
Female Response: Then I must not have a lot
Pick Up Line: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Female Response: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore
Pick Up Line: So what do you do for a living?
Female Response: I’m a female impersonator
Pick Up Line: Is this seat empty?
Female Response: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down
Pick Up Line: So, wanna go back to my place?
Female Response: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Pick Up Line: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Female Response: It’s in the phone book
Pick Up Line: But I don’t know your name.
Female Response: That’s in the phone book too
Pick Up Line: What’s your sign?
Female Response: No Parking!
Pick Up Line: I know how to please a woman
Female Response: Then please leave me alone
Pick Up Line: Haven’t we met before?
Female Response: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic
There are two major kinds of meetings:
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it’s Monday. You’ll get used to it. You’d better, because this kind account for
83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way “Show and Tell” does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
When it’s your turn, you should say that you’re still working on whatever it is you’re supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you’d be working on whatever you’re supposed to be working on, and even if you weren’t, you’d claim you were, but that’s the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, “Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.” You’d be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it’s how they do it in Japan.
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is.
Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you’re a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: “Norm?” Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your “input” on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you’ll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, “You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope.”
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this:
(picture of doodled rectangles).
If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, “Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you’ve given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then they should file quietly out of the room.
You Know You’re Getting Old When…
• Everything that works hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
• You feel like the morning after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
• Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
• Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.