The Sanity Clause – A Night at the Opera (1935)
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If Adulthood Had A Job Orientation Day
Cards You Won’t Find At Hallmark
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. ……. Like the need for therapy”
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never believed in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!”
“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”
“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday……………So we’re having you put to sleep.”
Letter To Mom
A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, she reads it with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend who just turned 35 years old. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that, Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams. I’ve learned that marihuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed can get better; he deserves it. Since he currently doesn’t have a job, he spends all of his time with me. Don’t worry, Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I’ll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter
P.S. Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.
10 Worst Company Web Site Names
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a web site. It is advisable to look at the web site name you selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their web site names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘, where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their web site name…wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Married Men Only
Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
Brenda demanded to know, ‘Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…….or what?’
‘Not at all, Ma’am,’ the Factory Manager replied. ‘It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.’
Funny Text Messages
What’s worse than your boyfriend sending you a text to ‘Break up’?
Another text saying ‘Sorry That Wasn’t For You’
My brother text me saying he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
I wish I never told her, put her right off sex that night.
My wife just sent me a “sex text”.
It says “Not tonight, dear”.
When I’m bored I like to text random numbers and say…
I hid the body, what now?
My daughter just text me, “Dad, which is better, to pass or to fail?”
I replied, “To pass, of course.”
Then she said, “Well you’ll be proud of me then. I’ve just passed my pregnancy test.”
I suspected my girlfriend of cheating, and my worst fears were confirmed. I received a text saying she wanted to see other people.
But I soon realized I had nothing to worry about when I received another text 2 minutes later saying “Sorry babe, that text wasn’t meant for you.”
Pay Attention To That Little Voice Inside You
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
“Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering……….
“You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard.”
Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?
But I just brushed my teeth . . .
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Did I remember to take my pill?
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . .
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
You’re almost as good as my ex!
Now I know why he/she dumped you . . .
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession . . .
You can cook too, right?
Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
Don’t mind me . . . I always file my nails in bed.
Which Companies?
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric, and cable company.”
How To Survive A Zombie Attack
Rule #1 – Home is where the hatchet is. Create a home base with plenty of weapons. The sharper the better.
Rule #2 – Watch expiration dates. Stockpile food for long periods of time. Canned food is good. Junk food is better.
Rule #3 – Knock Knock. Who’s there? A zombie! Be sure to create a strong entry and exit door. barricade all doors and windows.
Rule #4 – Trust no one – not even your mom. (Even if your friends think she’s hot.)
Rule #5 – Have a burning desire. Zombies hate fire. Learn to make fire with everyday objects.
Rule #6 – Wear protection. Avoid all zombie body fluids. Yuck!
Rule #7 – Wear sunglasses. A nice pair of shades always look cool. And protect your eyes.
Rule #8 – Run for your life. Stay fit and fast. Most zombies run like the chubby kid in your third grade class.
Rule #9 – Batter up. Zombie down. Keep a large, blunt object nearby and ready to swing at all times. A bat, crowbar or sturdy tree limb usually works nicely.
Rule #10 – No brain, no pain. Decapitating a zombie is best but kind of gross. Key is to destroy the brain stem.
Rule #11 – Beware of bush. Stay clear of bushes and shrubbery in general.
Rule #12 – Stagger and drool. Learn to stagger, lumber and drool. Make zombies think you’re one of them. Just pretend you’re a gym teacher.
Rule #13 – Cliche is okay. Always check closets and under beds before relaxing in front of the tv.
Rule #14 – Boobies are good. Set up booby traps as warnings and alerts. Trip wires and rattling cans are a good idea.
Rule #15 – Slippery knobs. Try putting vaseline on doorknobs. Zombies get frustrated.
Rule #16 – Nice to meat you. Always leave raw meat out in the open to distract zombies. Better they eat it than you.
Rule #17 – Always wash your hands. Hey, maybe your Mom was right.
Rule #18 – Objects in mirrors. Check backseats before buckling in.
Rule #19 – Don’t get mauled. Avoid populated areas like shopping malls and movie theatres. To zombies those are an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Rule #20 – Go all the way. A wounded zombie is not a dead zombie.
Yeh Its True, But Really!?
Suppose you marry a widow who already has a grown up daughter, and your father marries the widows grown up daughter.
Now the widow’s daughter becomes your mother.
Since your mother’s mother is your wife, your wife is also your grandmother. As the husband of your grandmother, you become your own grandpa.
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