Mark Humphries Presents The Awful News
I don’t want to see the American version
Create A Hallmark Moment!
Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some of these sayings:
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you.”
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”
“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never new what evil was before this!”
“Money is tight, times are hard, here’s your @#$/& Christmas card!!!”
“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”
“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!”
Mum, Can You Babysit?
Daughter: ‘Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?’
Mother: ‘You’re going out?’
Mother: ‘With whom?’
Daughter: ‘With a friend.’
Mother: ‘I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.’
Daughter: ‘MOM, I didn’t leave him. He left me!’
Mother: ‘You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.’
Daughter: ‘MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?’
Mother: ‘I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.’
Daughter: ‘There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.’
Mother: ‘What are you hinting at?
Daughter: ‘Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.’
Mother: ‘You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?’
Daughter: ‘MA, its My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!’
Mother: ‘So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?’
Daughter: ‘MOM, He’s not a loser.’
Mother: ‘A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.’
Daughter: ‘MA, I don’t want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?’
Mother: ‘Poor children with such a mother.’
Daughter: ‘Such a what?’
Mother: ‘With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.’
Daughter: ‘ENOUGH MA!!!’
Mother: ‘Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!’
Daughter: ‘Great MA, Now you’re worried about the loser?’
Mother: ‘Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately.’
Daughter: ‘Goodbye, mother.’
Mother: ‘Wait! Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over? ‘
Daughter: ‘I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!’
Mother: ‘If you never go out …how do you expect to meet anyone?”
Dumb Arizona Laws
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• A class 2 misdemeanor occurs if one places a mark upon a flag which is “likely to provoke physical retaliation”
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• You may not have more than two dildos in a house. (Glendale)
• Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. (Globe)
• If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. (Hayden)
• No more than six girls may live in any house. (Repealed) (Maricopa County)
• It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. (Mesa)
• A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. (Mohave County)
• An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. (Nogales)
• No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. (Prescott)
• One must be 18 years old to buy spray paint. (Tempe)
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. (Tombstone)
• Women may not wear pants. (Tucson)
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Las Vegas. ”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. * Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. * Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. * Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. * Carrie Snow
Old age ain’t no place for sissies. * Bette Davis
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. * Catherine Aird
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. * Rhonda Hansome
The phrase “working mother” is redundant. * Jane Sellman
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. * Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. * Caryn Leschen
Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. * Jan King
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. * Jennifer Unlimited
I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde. * Dolly Parton
Pet Lovers’ Manifesto
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door…
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn’t speak clearly.
Tips For Managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job”, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone here you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating without a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
What Was That Name Again?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Good Advice From Kids
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
-Patrick, age 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer.”
-Hannah, age 9
“Never tell your Mom her diet’s not working.”
-Michael, age 14
“Stay away from prunes.”
-Randy, age 9
“Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.”
-Emily, age 10
“When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
-Taylia, age 11
“Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.”
-Traci, age 14
“A puppy always has bad breath–even after eating a Tic-Tac.”
- Andrew, age 9
“Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.”
- Kyoyo, age 11
“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.”
-Amir, age 9
“Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.”
-Kellie, age 11
“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
-Naomi, age 15
“Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
-Lauren, age 9
“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
-Joel, age 10
“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.”
-Alyesha, age 13
“Never try to baptize a cat.”
-Eileen, age 8
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”