Guy Stuff – Jokes – Misc

How To Know Who Your Best Friend Is

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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The Ultimate Farting Guide

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the world’s leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an “I can’t do it!” frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when it’s release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, “Just let it happen… its ok…”

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you’re a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you’re partly on your way. If you’re older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbors farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV… Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? It’s about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don’t assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the body’s ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Let’s travel forth and delve into the world of position and location…

Leg Lift “Elevator” Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side – never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.

“Imperial” Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse the mind and cause “dyer” consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.

Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating “brown air” that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store after Christmas day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.

Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the “ass pounding” position you take when getting the quote to have your car’s transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for “customer service” counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.

In Conclusion
All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, it’s all about position, location and a “can-do” attitude!

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US Navy

For those of you never in the military, it seems all branches try to reduce any/all situations to writing. According to the US Navy, “Classified material shall be considered lost when it cannot be located.”

A group of US Navy officers, assigned as an advisory group in Taiwan, were searching for a name for their new officer’s club.
They finally settled on “TAI-WAN-ON”.

On patrol, the Officer of the Deck asked the starboard lookout what he would do if a man fell overboard.
“I would shout ‘Man overboard’.” the sailor replied.
The OD then asked what he would do if an officer fell overboard.
The sailor paused and thought, then said, “Which one Sir?”

A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser. All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker-light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.”
Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.”

The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, “Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn’t MY ship, this is YOUR ship.”
From deep in the ranks came a voice: “Great! Hey guys! Let’s sell the damn thing.”

Feeling the helplessness that comes with seasickness, the sailor on his first cruise told the Chief, “I always suspected that I was a landlubber, but until now, I didn’t know just how much I lubbed it!”
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Dirty Limerick's

There once was a boy with no money
who wrote some limericks with his buddy
and although he had tried
but to no surprise
the ones that weren’t dirty weren’t funny!

1.There once was a man from Bel-air
who was having a girl on the stair,
but the banister broke, so he doubled his stroke,
and finished her off in mid-air!

There once was a man from Calcutter
who was having a peep thru a shutter
but all he could see, was the prostitutes knees,
and the arse of the man who was up her!

there once was a man from Nantucket
who’s prick was so long he could suck it
and he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin
if my ear were a cunt i would fuck it!

There once was a man from Calhoon
who took a young boy to his room
but they argued all night as to who had the right
to do what and with which and to whom

There once was a man from Saloon
who fell asleep in a canoe
he dreamt of his Venus while holding his penis
and awoke with a hand full of goo

There once was a boy named Perkin
who was always jerkin his gherkin
his father said “Perkin”
“Stop jerkin yer gherkin”
“yer gherkins for ferkin not jerkin!”

There once was a man from Nicrates
who liked to go dancing on crates
but he fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates!

There once was a man named Dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave
he said “I admit”
I’m a bit of a shit
but think of the money I save!

My back hurts and my penis is sore
I simply cant fuck anymore
I’m covered in sweat
you haven’t cum yet
and by god its a quarter to 4!

there was a fat lady from mecca
whose name was flabby rebecca
when she ran
she looked like a van
and sometimes a red double-decker

In days of old
when knights were bold
and women weren’t invented
they drilled some holes
in telegraph poles
and were quite contented

There was a young hunter named Shepherd
Who was eaten for lunch by a leopard.
Said the leopard, “Egad!
You’d be tastier, lad
If you had been salted and peppered!”

There was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed

There once was a woman named cat
had triplets nat pat and tat
twas fun in the breeding but hell in the feeding
when she found she had no tit for tat

There once was a man named Skinner
who took a young lady to dinner
at a quarter to nine they sat down to dine
at a quarter to ten it was in her

There was a young man from Golgotha
Whose cock was a fuckin’ whopper
It went once round his guts
Twice round his nuts
Then rammed up his arse for a stopper

There once was a girl from Wheeling
who had a peculiar feeling
so she lay on her back
and opened her crack
and Pissed from the floor to the ceiling!

There was a young man from Wales
Whose yachting technique never fails.
He dines on baked beans
And plenty of greens,
And his farts put the wind in the sails.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana
Jack got high
Pulled down his fly
And Jill said “I don’t wanna

Jermoore’s genius was evident
of Mensa he was past president
But a blonde girl he knew
with room-temperature IQ
showed him what fellatio really meant.

there was a girl from peru
she loved to fool aorudn its true
we finally were alone
but then her husband came home
so now I only need one shoe

An old working girl from Shanghai
gave blowjobs that made grown men cry
her teeth she’d remove
and then she would prove
that a gum-job could really suck you dry

I once found a pound on the floor.
And used it to pay for a whore.
Her name was Sally
We ducked down an alley.
The sex was incredibly poor.

There was a man from Helsinki,
With desires for sex that were kinky.
He likes sex with things,
Like coils and springs.
So keep him away form your slinky.

The Rolling Rocks were in the sixties a small band
And for their music there was not a great demand
So Sevenmoonz, they gave the boot
and with a new band he took root
as the Rolling Stones now they are known throughout the land!

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire
She said, “It’s a sin,
But now that it’s in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?”

Jack and Jill went up the hill, each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with $2.50.
What? You didn’t think they were going for water did you?
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10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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The Cost Of Pleasure
Cover charge: $15

Round of drinks: $23

Table dance: $30

A round of shots: $34

Private dance in your hotel room: $300

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.
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