Friday Fun Stuff – 5-24-24

If Your Parents’ Lies Were True

The Dark Secret Behind Quirky Romantic Comedies

Confucius Says

Confucius Says: It’s OK to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Says: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Says: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Says: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Confucius Says: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
Confucius Says: Viagra is like Disneyland. A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Says: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Says: A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Employment Test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”

“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.

“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed,” said the Department manager.

“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.

“Simple,” said the Department manager…”Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.’’

Family Stress Test

Scoring:
0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true

• Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”
• The school principal has your number on speed-dial
• Both the cat and the dog are on Valium
• No one can understand your kids; they learned to talk thru clenched teeth
• You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf
• Jobs held down by the family exceeds the number of people in the family
• No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners
• “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials
• You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash
• Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
• Dinner guests alternate between Juvenile Services & the Parole Officers
• The neighbors are all chipping in so y’all can go on a family vacation
• You often have trouble calling home, and even “call waiting” is busy
• The Salvation Army rejected your last donation of clothes and old toys

Totaling your Score:
31-40 – A perfect score. Welcome to Parents Anonymous!
21-30 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
11-20 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-10 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

Buying Paint

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

Hangover Ratings

* 1-star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.

** 2-star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.

*** 3-star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.

You’ve had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven’t peed once.

**** 4-star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.

You would give a week’s pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5-star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.

Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You’d cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn’t even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let’s face it, all you can manage to do is breathe… very gently.

****** 6-star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do now, you’re going to vomit.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won’t relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.

Secret To A Long Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.’”

How To Get On A Cops Bad Side

1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch his nose
7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
9. Refer to him by his first name.
10. When he says no, cry.
11. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
12. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
13. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.
14. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”
15. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
16. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.
17. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”
18. Trip and fall into him.
19. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
20. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

Three Holy Men And A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

“Well”, he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation”.

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah”!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it,….circumcision
may NOT have been the best way to start….”

Stupid Quotes

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
- Mariah Carey

“Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing.”
- Congressman Gary Ackerman (D-New York)

“An unsupervised teenager with a computer is as dangerous as an unsupervised teenager with a gun.”
- Gail Thackeray, Arizona State Attorney

“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”
- Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island

“I would never sign a prenuptial agreement. That makes the relationship so shallow.”
- Marla Maples

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

“It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.”
- Linda Evangelista supermodel

“If crime went down one hundred percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”
- Councilman John Bowman; Washington D.C.

“I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at.”
- Brigitte Nielsen, actress

“It sounds vain, but I could probably make a difference for almost everyone I ever met if I chose to involve myself with them either professionally or personally.”
- Kevin Costner, actor

“When I’m really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn’t look at me, he’s probably gay.”
- Kathleen Turner, actress

“The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
- Monte Clark, former Detroit Lions coach

“In college I slept with a couple of guys, like we all do, and a couple of girls, like we all do. Then I got to New York City and I just blossomed into this sexual creature.”
- Linda Fiorentino, actress

“You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself”
- Joe Pasternak, producer

“Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.”
- Imelda Marcos

“Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.”
- Baseball great Yogi Berra

“I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do.”
- U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno

“Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.”
- Samuel Goldwyn

“I wanted my anger to be valid, and the only way to do that is to be fairly attractive.”
- Courtney Love, singer

“It’s not that I dislike many people. It’s just that I don’t like many people.”
- Bryant Gumbel, TV newsperson

“Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) knows he’s got sex appeal and he knows how to use it. Yet he doesn’t think he’s gorgeous. And to me, he’s simply smelly, farty Leo.”
- Kate Winslet, actress

“I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs, while he is married. But three is the absolute maximum, After that, you’re cheating.”
- Yves Montand, actor

“Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.”
- Ivana Trump

“From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.”
- John Madden, sportscaster

Be an Organ Donor

Here’s one from the Emergency nurses association:

Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!

The Really Sad Part Is That We Make Them Buy Their Own