If High School and College Textbooks Were Honest
Things Not To Say During Sex
1. but everybody looks funny naked!
2. you woke me up for that?
3. did I mention the video camera?
4. do you smell something burning?
5. (in the janitor’s closet) and they say romance is dead….
6. can you please try breathing through your nose.
7. a little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8. is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. but whipped cream makes me brake out.
11. person 1: this is your first time…right?
person 2: yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) hurry up! this room rents by the hour!
13. can you pass me the remote control?
14. do you accept Visa?
16. on the second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17. and to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
18. so much for mouth-to-mouth
19. (using body paint) try not to leave any stains, o.k.?
20. hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
21. (holding a banana) it’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo.
22. do you get any premium movie channels?
23. try not to smear my make-up, will ya’?
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) but I just steam cleaned this coach!
25. got any penicillin?
26. but I just brushed my teeth…
27. smile, you’re on candid camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
29. I want a baby!
30. so much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
Hell Explained by Chemistry Student
No matter what your religion, you have to get a laugh out of this.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle ‘s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle ‘s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Perks Of Being Over 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
He Said…She Said:
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.
He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’
He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?
He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Variations On Murphy’s Law
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway’s Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.
15. Heeler’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
17. Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
18. Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy..
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is….
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ;’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
The Difference Between Women At Different Ages
What’s the difference between women at the age of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?
08 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 – You don’t need to tell her any story to take her to bed.
38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 – You stay in bed all day to avoid hearing her story.
Why There Should Be A Test Before People Can Become Famous
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama; Heather Whitestone, in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“Smoking kills if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix”
– Dan Quayle
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May G-d bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?
Some Lessons I Learned In Life:
• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
• There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
• You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
• No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.