If Girl BFFs Acted Like Guy BFFs
History of English
10 Excuses For Sleeping At Work
1. ”They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
2. ”This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
3. ”Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”
4. ”I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
5. ”I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
6. ”I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?”
7. ”Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
8. ”The coffee machine is broken…”
9. ”Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…”
10. ”…..in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Thru Thick And Thin
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
Funny Answering Machine Messages
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers
My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
Quotes About Beer
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
– Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
– Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
– Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
– H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
– George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
– Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
– Dave Barry
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
– Professor Irwin Corey
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a “support group.” Salvation in a can!
– Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy, Norm. “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
Classes For Men At The Learning Center
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. (I know but it’s a joke so play along) Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”
Lament Of A Teacher
Let me see if I’ve got this right:
• You want me to go into that room with all those wild kids, and fill their every conscious moment with a love for learning
• I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity
• I’m supposed to encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others
• I’m expected to behaviorally modify disruptive behavior
• I’m to remain ever vigilant for signs of abuse or neglect
• I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases
• I have to check their backpacks for guns or other weapons
• I’m expected to somehow raise their self-esteem
• I’m to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play
• I’m to encourage them to register to vote (age permitting)
• I’m to instill in them a sense of pride of government and democracy
• I’m to teach them how to budget and how to balance a checkbook
• I will be considered remiss if I do not instill a work ethic in these brats
• I’m to demonstrate how to apply for a job and successfully interview
• But I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally
• I am to check their heads occasionally for lice; skin for rat bites
• I’m expected to maintain a safe environment w/o touching the lil’ monsters
• I’m to recognize signs of potential anti-social behavior
• I’m to offer advice, guidance and counseling on any matter
• I’m to write letters of recommendation for employment and/or scholarships
• I’m to make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention
• I’m required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master’s degree
• I’m to sponsor some type of extra-curricular sports activity on my own time
• After school, I am to attend committee and/or faculty meetings
• I’m required to participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status
• I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority
• I’m to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states
• And… oh yeah… teach
Is that all?
The Miracle of Nature
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/ doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ Glass of wine
______ Cold Beer
______ Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______ Mexican food
______ French fries
______ Bowl of ice cream
______ Cup of coffee
It should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.