Friday Fun Stuff – 9-13-24

Coneheads Family Feud – SNL

Why The Scooby-Doo Mystery Team Is Terrible At Mysteries

Housekeeping Tips

Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they’re good ones)

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!
3. The best mini-vac for after meals clean up is the dog.
4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
8. If guys were supposed to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11. Simplify… hire a maid.
12: My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
13. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
14. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”

He Was Just Tryin To Help

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

If I Can’t Do It I’m Gonna To Make A Law So No One Can

* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can’t go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job– for men only– called a corset inspector.)

* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

* It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that s ex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have s ex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

* A Florida s ex law: If you’re a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can’t parachute on Sunday afternoons.

* Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio– a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t”

* No woman may have s ex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a s exual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

Notes From Spouses

One morning, a lady discovers a note from her husband on the refrigerator.

My lovely spouse,

You will undoubtedly see that, at fifty-seven, you are unable to meet all of my needs. You are a wonderful wife, and I am really delighted with you. I thus hope that after reading this letter, you won’t misunderstand that I’ll be spending the evening in the Comfort Inn hotel with my 19-year-old secretary.

I’ll be home before midnight, so don’t be offended. The man discovered the following message on the dining table when he returned home late that evening.

My beloved spouse,

I appreciate your candor on my age—57—and I have received your mail. This is my chance to tell you that you are also fifty-seven years old.

As you are aware, I work at our local college as a math teacher. As you peruse this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, Michael, who also happens to be the assistant tennis coach. Like your secretary, he is a youthful, attractive man of nineteen.

You will see that, as a prosperous businessman with exceptional mathematical skills, we are in a similar circumstance, with the little exception that 19 enters 57 more frequently than 57 enters 19. I won’t be getting home until maybe tomorrow as a result.

Quotes By Joan Rivers

• I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
• My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
• Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
• There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
• Never floss with a stranger.
• I have flabby thighs but fortunately, my stomach covers them.
• I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.
• We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
• People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
• I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.
• I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
• Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.

This Dog In Not To Me Messed With

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog: he’s stumpy-Iegged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”

50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.

The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator”

Reasons I Need Coffee

• It tastes like hopes and dreams
• Other people talk to me in the morning
• Caffeine perks me up
• Jail is a real place
• It’s hard to work if my eyes are closed
• Helps me mimic socially acceptable behavior
• Strangers stare if you forget to put on pants

Who Believed, And Who Didn’t

A bar opened near a church!

The church prayed daily against the business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning and burned to ashes.

The bar owner sued the church because he said the fire was the result of their prayers.

The church denied all responsibility!

So, the judge commented: “It’s difficult to decide the case because here we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church that doesn’t believe in it!”

Unanswerable Questions

Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Shut up. Don’t you ever dare talk to me!!

Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: No.
Wife: Liar!!!

Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: May be…
Wife: can you ever be decisive.

Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: I don’t know.
Wife: Are you blind?

Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Depends…
Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else…

Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Silence…
Wife: Are you deaf?

Be Careful When Throwing Stones

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

I Guess They Were Wrong