The Alternative Constitution
Will Ferrell & Zach Galifianakis Debate Children
Scary Fortune Cookies
• We know where you live.
• You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
• Everyone’s meal today is on you!
• The “special sauce” came from the floor!
• Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
• Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
• A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
• Your dog Spot…he’s no longer missing.
• See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
• MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe
• That wasn’t chicken
Female Stages Of Life
AGE – DRINK
17 – Wine Coolers
25 – White wine
35 – Red wine
48 – Dom Perignon
66 – Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 – Need to wash my hair
25 – Need to wash and condition my hair
35 – Need to color my hair
48 – Need to have Francois color my hair
66 – Need to have Francois color my wig
17 – shopping
25 – shopping
35 – shopping
48 – shopping
66 – shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “Burger King”
25 – “Free meal”
35 – “A diamond”
48 – “A bigger diamond”
66 – “Home Alone”
17 – tall, dark and handsome
25 – tall, dark and handsome with money
35 – tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 – a man with hair
66 – a man
17 – Muffy the cat
25 – Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 – German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 – Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 – Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 – 17
25 – 25
35 – 35
48 – 48
66 – 66
17 – He offers to pay
25 – He pays
35 – He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 – He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 – He can chew his breakfast
Fun Things To Do In A Mall
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re ‘astronaut food’.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from ‘Dianetics.’
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, ‘You mean you really can’t see it?’
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.
-Paul Hornung, Green Bay Packers running back, when asked why his wedding was held in the morning
My mother said to me, “If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.” Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
It is fun being in the same decade with you.
-Franklin Roosevelt, in a letter to Winston Churchill
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer
-The Onion headline (That is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on The Onion!)
I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.
-Shelby Metcalf, Texas A&M basketball coach, to a player who received four F’s and a D
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
The other night I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
Black holes are where G-d divided by zero.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
You Have To Wonder If The Women Know
Two guys were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting, one guy said, “I’m going to walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there, then turned around and walked back. Smiling sheepishly, he said, “Small world.”
All Time Favorite Motoring Insurance Claims
The following quotes are actual statements found on insurance forms of drivers who attempted to summarize the details of their accidents using the fewest words possible.
• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.
• The other car collided with mine without even giving warning of its intentions.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.
• As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
• To avoid hitting the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
• In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran into him.
• The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel.
• I saw a sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
Bad Day At Work
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is, take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job”.
His And Hers Road Trip
Pulls off at wrong exit.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn’t find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary.
Couldn’t spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside.
And of course you’re still lost.
How To Drive Your Wife Crazy
Start asking her questions (don’t mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, “I think it’s time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.”
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it’s real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she’s in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, “Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she’s overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, “Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?”
Put on a TV program and then pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, “Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don’t be so selfish.”
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it’s as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she’s finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, “Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn’t going to hurt you.” Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, “Hey, you’ve been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?”
Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she’s making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.
What Are Men Like
Men are like…..Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like…..Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…..Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like…..Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like…..Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like…..Noodles.
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
Men are like…..Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like…..Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like…..Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable.
Men are like…..Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.