The Drew Carey Show – Auditioning Horn-dogs
I still don’t understand how they got some of the best musicians in the world to be on their show.
Shit I’ve Heard High Schooler’s Say
• Why stop at capitalism? Destroy everything.
• Guys it’s been three weeks since I’ve eaten a vegetable
• At least we have memes to dull the pain of existence
• An AP student: Oh my god I thought seven was less than six
• (while filling the cap of their water bottle with water) SHOTS SHOT
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
• Friend one: If all your friends jumped off a bridge wou…
Friend two: probably
• I’M GONNA GO HOME AND DRINK A WHOLE GLASS OF WEED
• If cows ruled the world would they drink human milk?
• Student: my calculator is broken
Teacher: your calculator isn’t broken, you’re broken
• No actually I think you have to be of age to be considered a cougar
• (during math class on the second floor) Student 1: So like how far do you think the distance is from that window to the ground?
Student 2: Enough
• Teacher: has anyone ever been to New Orleans?
Student: does Popeyes count?
• My word count on this paper isn’t very high but I certainly am
• We’re in adult limbo. I’m not a teen and I’m not an adult. I’M SUFFERING, THAT’S WHAT I AM!
• Look at my… (swings leg up to show shorts) not pants
Guys This Is The True Crime Story Of The Decade
Yesterday a friend told me what might well be the best story I’ve ever heard. She had caught the train in from Frankston. And while she was waiting for the train to come, she noticed a man sitting down on the platform with a bag of fish and chips. But he wasn’t really eating them. He was just sort of letting them air.
This attracted a few seagulls, who began to circle the platform. Instead of shooing the birds away, the man offered them a few chips. He’d toss one a foot or so away from him. It was like he was beckoning them to come closer. He kept doing this, eking the chips out slowly, until there was a big group of seagulls in front of him, 15 or 20. A tiny army. He’d throw them a chip every now and then — just enough to keep the birds interested, but not enough to sate them. It was frustrating. They were getting angry. Squawking. It was like he was rearing them up for… something.
Then the train came, and everyone got on. But the man stayed on the ground with his chips. Just when the train was about to leave. It happened.
Right before the doors closed, the man threw the entire bag of the fish and chips into the train. The entire flock of seagulls followed the bag. And the doors closed. Inside the train: pandemonium.
The next train stop was five minutes away.
A Drug Reference Guide For Weekend Fun
1. ECSTASY
How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe.”
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.
2. MARIJUANA
How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800 pound fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.
3. ALCOHOL
How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.
4. COCAINE
How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it
How you feel in the morning: Like the ape man.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there’s more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn’t.
5. ACID or SHROOMS
How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the wall wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception.”
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 you either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off. Or you climbed onto the top of a building, tried to fly and died.
My Parents Wouldn’t Have Been That Cool
When I was in preschool there was this really weird system Of time-out where they’d put you in this giant plastic bucket.
And the rule was you couldn’t leave the bucket for ten minutes.
In case you didn’t know, I was What the teachers referred to as a “difficult Child” which is code for ‘walking entity of sass” so I was in the time-out bucket quite a bit.
Once they put me in the bucket for thirty minutes, and I thought that was incredibly unfair so I grabbed the handles and shifted my body repeatedly until the bucket and I were out of the classroom. in the hallway. and through the front door. They found me in the parking lot scooting to freedom in the time- out bucket.
The teachers were furious and I said, “Hey, I never left the bucket”
So they called my mum and told her What I did and She just said, “Well, he never left the bucket.”
Books Never Written
For good reason
America’s Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Detroit – A Travel Guide
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
How to Sustain a Solo Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
Human Rights Advances in China
The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
Feminists Men Want to Marry
How to Love Everyone by Adolf Hitler
How to be a Kamikaze Pilot by Osama Bin Laden
The Rolling Hills of Iowa
Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games
How to Manage Your Company’s Finances by Enron
My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagan
Pizza
My mom ordered two different pizzas from two different places cause she had coupons, and they both got here at the same time.
So we had a Pizza Hut delivery guy and a Domino’s delivery guy both standing by our front door and the Domino’s guy looks at the Pizza Hut guy and proceeds to sing Why Can’t We Be Friends? while the Pizza Hut guy just glares at him.
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”
The Difference Between Knowledge & Common Sense
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie
Common sense is knowing that ketchup isn’t a damn smoothie you moron!
Why You Shouldn’t Lose Your Pen
Lose Your Pen = Lost Pen
Lost Pen = Nothing On Paper
Nothing On Paper = No Grades
No Grades = Failing School
Failing School = No College
No College = No Job
No Job = No Money
No Money = No Food
No Food = Skinny
Skinny = Ugly
Ugly = No Love
No Love = No Marriage
No Marriage = No Children
No Children = Alone
Alone = Sickness
Sickness = DEATH!
Who Needs To Pass Math Anyway?
One time in math class my teacher was really pissed at us and he was yelling,
“DO YOU EVEN KNOW BASIC MATH? DO YOU KNOW ADDITION? WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO? COREY, WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO?”
and poor Corey wasn’t paying attention so I leaned over to him and whispered “seven” and he blurted out “SEVEN”!
And I have never laughed harder and I doubt I ever will
| You Wouldn’t Believe What It Looked Like…And The Smell |
|
| Flying Should Only Be For Rich People |
|
| I Have A Strange Suspicion I Should Be Saving This |
|
| Sometimes You Just Really Need To Laugh |
|
| Gyms Are Going To Make A Lot Of Money When This Is All Over |
|
| We Really Do Need To Bring This Back |
|
| I Bet Five Bucks I Could Get Him Down With One Shot |
|
| But At Least Then We’ll Be Able To Drink |
|
| First World Water |
|
| By The Power Vested In Me By This Walmart Store, I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife |
|
