Hottie Body Hump Club
School Voice Mail
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
· To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.
· To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2.
· To complain about what we do, Press 3.
· To cuss out staff members, Press 4.
· To ask why you didn’t get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.
· If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.
· If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.
· To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.
· To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.
· To complain about school lunches, Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child’s lack of effort … Hang up and have a nice day!!
I went up to a chubby lass in the club and said, “you’ve dropped something.”
“Let me guess – your jaw,” she smirked.
“No,” I replied, “my standards. It’s ten minutes to closing time.”
I was way too drunk last night to drive home from the bar.
So I drove to a party.
Alcohol doesn’t agree with me … it thinks my wife is attractive.
I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked, staring at me.
“Nothing” I slurred.
“Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”
As I’ve Matured…
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in…
I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, they keep coming back.
I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
More Darwin Awards
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”
NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building’s windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, “He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating “this deadly gas.” Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No.6 [The News of the Weird] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7 ["The Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8 [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man’s Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,” Payne said. “It wouldn’t go off and this guy said, ‘I’ll show you how to set it off.”
The Guide To Women
A MAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
…. without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
…. you cheap slob!
I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We’re gonna make fun of you and your friends.
A number of primary schools were doing a project about “The Sea.” Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the ‘better’ ones. Here are some of the descriptions of “ocean life.”
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters’ balls are called pearls! (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pot, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 7)
8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)
10. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
The Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.”
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart”.
Actual Questions That Librarian Have Been Asked
These are actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
· Do you have books here?
· Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?
· Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?
· I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, Waltzing through Grand Rapids. (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
· Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’? (Actual title: “Satanic Verses.”)
· Where is the reference desk? (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had hanging above her head a sign saying Reference Desk.)
· I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?
· Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?
· Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?
· Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
· I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)
· I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.
· I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.
· Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.
· I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.
· Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk.)
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters’s vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, “Land Mines.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.
The Guerrilla Guide to Telemarketing Defense Methods
We all get these calls, usually when we have just sat down for dinner or to use the bathroom. The time has come to fight back! Try one of these methods the next time someone (“X”) wants to sell you something.
1. If X starts out with, “How are you today?”, say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternatively, you can tell X, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care and I have all these problems. My sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died …” When X tries to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.
2. If X is Chris Doe from the XYZ Company, ask X to spell “Chris Doe.” Then ask X to spell the company name. Then ask X where it is located. Continue asking X personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
3. This one works better if you’re male.
X: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter & Siegel services …”
You: “Hang on a second.” (A few seconds’ pause.) “Okay.” (In a husky voice.) “What are you wearing?”
4. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you been?” With any luck, this will give Judy a few moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
5. Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep an even tempo even as X is trying to speak. This is the most fun, if you can keep going until X hangs up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with its Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends … would you be my friend?”
7. If X cleans rugs, ask, “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?” Alternate: “Sorry, my floor is made of stone.”
8. Let X give the spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh,” “Really?”, or “How fascinating!”. Finally, when X asks you to buy, ask X to marry you. When X gets all flustered, tell X you couldn’t give your credit card number to a stranger.
9. Tell X you work for the same company X works for.
X: “This is Bill from WaterTronics.”
You: “WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?”
X: “Uh … Dallas, Texas.”
You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather?!?”
X: “Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.”
You: “Oh, okay. Bye!”
10. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down and shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and hang up.
11. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell X you’re busy at the moment but that, if X gives you his or her home phone number, you’ll call back. X will say, “We’re not allowed to give out our phone numbers.” You say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” X will agree. You say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.
12. Ask X to repeat everything X says, several times.
13. Tell X it is dinner time, but ask if X would please hold. Put X on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
14. Tell X you are on “home incarceration” and ask if X could please bring you some beer.
15. Ask X to fax the information to you and make up a number.
16. “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Dave, playing a joke. “Come on, Dave, cut it out! Seriously, Dave, how’s your mom?”
18. Tell X that he or she will have to speak up … louder … louder … louder …
19. Tell X to talk v e r y s l o w l y, because you want to write down every word.