Music Teachers Performance From Home To Get Thru Pandemic
More Children’s Books That Never Made It
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way.
• You Were an Accident
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
• The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
• Your Nightmares Are Real
• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
• Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
German Tourist In American McDonald’s
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer.
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
The German man, still laughing, replies “Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!”
Top 10 Reasons Beer Is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Happy Little Rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!”
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”
The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”
Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives ‘bad hair day’ a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. ‘I’d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.’
3. Inventive way to finally meet that ‘special’ person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and the #1 reason to go to work naked…
1. Your boss will never say, ‘I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!’ ever again.
Inexperienced Curry Taster
Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S.
“Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event.”
Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These char o’s are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o’s!
Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry?
Frank: (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Top 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Tech Support
10 “So…what are you wearing?”
9 “Duuuuude! Bummer!”
8 “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.”
7 “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
6 “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.”
5 “I’m sorry Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
4 “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
3 “Hold on a second…Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
2 “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”
1 “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”
The Perfect Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again… although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her No; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.
(Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.)
Ways To Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Damn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
11. Say, “Interesting, more sinkers than floaters.”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, “Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
15. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”
The Power Of A Badge
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life – chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…
“Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”