Knock Knock – IRS
What Does A Pot Sobriety Test Look Like?
“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” — Mark Twain
“The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.” — Will Rogers
“No taxation without regimentation.” — Archie Bunker (fictional TV character on “All in the Family”)
“Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you’re a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?” — Jon Stewart
“They can’t collect legal taxes from illegal money.” — Al Capone
“As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan.” — Dave Barry
“We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” — Leona Helmsley
“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” — Will Rogers
“You don’t pay taxes — they take taxes.” — Chris Rock
“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.” — Dave Barry
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone
“Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.” — Andy Rooney
“I think most people… would be glad to pay the same taxes they paid when Bill Clinton was president, if only they could have the same economy they had when Bill Clinton was president.” — Howard Dean
“There aren’t many downsides to being rich, other than paying taxes and having relatives asking for money. But being famous, that’s a 24-hour job right there.” — Bill Murray
“The rich aren’t like us, they pay less taxes.” — Peter De Vries
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” — John Maynard Keynes
“Death, taxes, and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.” — Margaret Mitchell
“The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes — naturally, no one wants to live any other way.” — Judith Martin
“This is a question too difficult for a mathematician. It should be asked of a philosopher” (when asked about completing his income tax form) — Albert Einstein
“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.” — Joe E. Lewis
“The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.” — William Simon
“Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors…and miss.” — Robert Heinlein
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” — Dave Barry
“Dear IRS, I am writing to you to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.” — Charles M. Schulz (Snoopy)
“Our tax code is so long it makes ‘War and Peace’ seem breezy.” — Steven LaTourette
“Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.” — Oscar Wilde
“On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.”
~ Tom Lehrer
“If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street. If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat. If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat. If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.” — The Beatles
Dear Internal Revenue Service,
Enclosed you will find my 2021 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the over payment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 ” Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A Satisfied Taxpayer
11 Things To Do In A Drive-Thru Lane
1. Drive Through Backwards.
2. Barter. Offer a Cheeseburger for a Big Mac.
3. Walk through.
4. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
5. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
6. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.
7. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
8. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
9. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
10. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
11. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.
Ticketmaster Be Like:
Concert ticket: $40
Venue fee: $21.32
Access fee $18.32
Paperless transmission fee: $12.03
Fee Fee: $8.84
Fi Fo Fum: $3.43
Cuz We Can Fee: $2.01
Might as well fee: $1.89
WTF you gonna do not go? fee: $1.38
Another dollar won’t hurt nobody fee: $1.00
Laws Of The Universe
1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theatre & Sports Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of bread and jam landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!
19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
Understanding Your Paycheck:
Gross pay: $1,222.02
244.40 Income Tax
45.21 Outgo Tax
61.10 State Tax
5.89 Interstate Tax
6.11 County Tax
12.22 City Tax
4.44 Rual Tax
1.11 Back Tax
1.16 Front Tax
1.61 Side Tax
2.22 Up Tax
1.11 Down Tax
1.98 Knickknack Tax
3.93 Hackensack Tax
0.98 Thumb Tax
0.69 Carpet Tax
8.32 Snack Tax
3.46 Sur Tax
3.46 Ma’am Tax
5.00 Parking Fee
10.00 No Parking
5.85 Life Ins.
16.23 Health Ins.
2.50 Disability Ins.
0.25 Ability Ins.
3.41 Liability Ins.
4.50 Dental Ins.
4.33 Mental Ins.
0.11 Fundamental Ins.
66.51 Coffee Cups
3.06 Calendar Rental
16.85 Floor Rental
4.32 Chair Rental
4.32 Desk Rental
5.85 Union Dues
3.77 Union Don’ts
0.69 Cash Advances
121.35 Cash Retreats
1.26 Over Time
54.83 Under Time
9.00 Eastern Time
8.00 Central Time
7.00 Mountain Time
6.00 Pacific Time
4.44 Daylight Savings
12.21 Time Out
46.83 Air Conditioning
Total Take Home Pay = $0,000.02
This is where the expression “just my 2 cents” came from.
You Know You’re Out Of College When
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you… and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”
Well, He’s Not Wrong
English Teacher: Give me the opposite of this sentence:
“Children in the dark make mistakes”
Student: “Mistakes in the dark make children”
Teacher: Get out!
Impossibilities In The World
1. U can’t count your hair
2. U can’t wash your eyes with soap
3. U can’t breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in fool.
10 Things I know about you…
1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are goofy as me & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it
What Elmo Really Cares About
Elmo doesn’t care if you’re white.
Elmo doesn’t care if you’re black.
Elmo doesn’t care about anybody’s skin color.
You all taste the same to Elmo.