The Mr. Bill Show: The Amazing Sluggo – Classic SNL
You Know You’re In Trouble When…
…Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
…Your suggestion box starts ticking.
…Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
…You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
…The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
…People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
…You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
…The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
But Girl Scouts Still Can’t Sell Their Cookies In Front Of Dispensaries
Taco Bell is selling fries.
Burger King is selling tacos.
KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches…
I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Maybe you heard about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
On a calling card (presented to guests at the reception)
I am the Father of the Bride. Nobody’s paying much attention to me today, but I can assure you, that I am getting my share of attention. A bank and several business firms are watching me very closely.
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.” The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Don’t Mess With The Elderly
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, can you dance?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No son, I don’t dance… never really wanted to”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now!” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said;
“Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir… but… I’ve always wanted to”
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don’t be arrogant.
*Don’t waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control…
*And finally, Don’t screw around with old folks; they didn’t get old by being stupid…
I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?
New Rules For Dieting
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.
8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
I’ll Show You Skill And Guile
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Realistic Error Messages From Microsoft
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?”
10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.”
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)”
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
See Men Can Be Emotional
I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.
Pointing a knife at me … He asked me “your money or your life!”
I told him I am Married… so I have no money and no life…
We hugged and cried together.
It was a beautiful moment…
Things People Have Actually Said
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” — Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” — Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
“It’s like deja vu all over again.” — Yogi Berra
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese” — Former French President Charles De Gaulle
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” — A congressional candidate in Texas
“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.” — Richard M. Nixon
“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” — Everett Dirksen
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” — Samuel Goldwyn
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne
“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” — General William Westmoreland
You Try Ordering A Pizza These Days
Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.
Did I dial the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Oh, alright – then I’d like to place an order please.
Okay sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know what my usual is?
According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Okay – that’s what I want this time too.
May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is not good.
How do you know?
Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.
I bought more from another drugstore.
It’s not showing on your credit card sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
To HELL With Ur Pizza..!!
I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me …
I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your PASSPORT … it expired 5 weeks ago.“`