Hollywood Squares..Did This Air?
If your too young to remember this show, this is from when the answers were Not scripted.
The Top Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16. We’re working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on “COPS”
13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.
8. We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on “your” salary, pal!
6. We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery “better”
5. It’s Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy — Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan…
1. We put the “Ho” in “Motel”
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Bumper Stickers 3
1. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
2. Born free… taxed to death.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
5. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
7. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
8. HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
9. Don’t blame me! I didn’t vote!
10. Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don’t want to be seen with em!
11. If you can read this… Your parents will be home in two minutes.
12. Don’t drink and drive…. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
13. My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student!
You Should Have Seen That One Coming
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
New List Of Appropriate Language For Work
It has been brought to the Management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I’m not certain that’s possible.
Old Phrase: You’ve got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?
Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with…
Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I’m concerned.
Old Phrase: It’s not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Old Phrase: What the fuck…?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.
Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won’t work.
New Phrase: I’m not sure I can implement this.
Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn’t they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I’ll try to schedule that.
Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.
Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it’s a problem?
Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don’t say.
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?
Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?
Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren’t happy with it.
Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you’d like my help with it.
Old Phrase: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
New Phrase: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don’t think you understand.
Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.
Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?
Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.
Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?
Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.
Old Phrase: I don’t really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don’t think it will be a problem.
Old Phrase: He’s fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He’s confused.
If He’s That Smart How Did He Get Caught?
A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank: “This year, I can’t plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field.”
The son wrote back, “Papa, don’t dare plow the field. That is where I hid the money I stole.”
The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they’d dug up the entire field but found nothing.
The son wrote to his father, “Now you can plant your potatoes.”
Funny Wedding Quotes
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – H.L. Mencken
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house. – Jean Kerr
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. – Anonymous
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. – Helen Rowland
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? – Carrie Snow
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. – George Burns
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman
In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. – Joey Adams
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. – Joey Adams
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.- Marie Corelli
I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it. – Walter Matthau
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.- Judith Viorst
Kids Today Are Quick
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well,” says the policeman, “tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.”
Politically Correct Descriptions Of Women
She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY – She is SEXU@LLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
She is not a SLUT – she is SEXU@LLY EXTROVERTED
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
Not To Say To Your In-Laws At Dinner
10. Sorry about all the background noise. The black helicopters are flying awfully low these days.
9. Oh my parents? Don’t worry, they won’t be bothering us. I’ve made sure of that. Who wants pie?
8. We keep your photo on the mantelpiece just above the fireplace, to keep the kids away from the fire.
7. The only thing worse than your logic are your manners.
6. A lot of people at your age are having face lifts, have you gave it any thought?
5. Would you care to ask your daughter if she would mow the lawn? I think I’m allergic to grass.
4. Hopefully I’ll be able to get this county jail ankle bracelet off next month.
3. Have you ever had trouble with your libido? Your daughter’s seems to be extremely low.
2. I guess you knew your daughter was bisexual before we got married.
1. I’m quite relieved about my HIV test being negative.