Friday Fun Stuff – 3-17-17

Katy Perry Puppet Sex


Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all times

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare

When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.

Are You Ready For College?

The quiz below will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:
a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don’t make your eyes water.
b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you’ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:
a. They don’t own an accordion.
b. Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
c. When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
d. They don’t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are people too.”
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first line. You:
a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
b. You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?” You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”
c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole’ days when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:
a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
d. To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:
a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”
b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it’s crucial that, on your college application you don’t mention:
a. In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political prisoner.”
b. You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.
7) It’s a generally considered a bad sign if:
a. You’re asked to pledge “Geek.”
b. MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
d. An aptitude shows you’re best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
c. You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.
d. Study hard. (I’m just checking whether you’re paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:
a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.
b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)
d. All of the below.

Scoring your test:

For each A – add 5 points.
For each B – divide by 1.377 points.
For each C – multiply by 0 points.
For each D – subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled – See an eye doctor.

If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!

Top Ten Tricks To Liven Up A Meeting

1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

Don’t Mess With The Tower

A young and foolish pilot on his first time approaching a field during the nighttime wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”

Job Search Jargon

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way…

We have no time to train you.

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

Management communicates, you listen, & figure out what they want you to do.

You whine, you’re fired.

We have no quality control.

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Management won’t answer questions.

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

We have a lot of turnover.

We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Brain Teasers

Answers below. Don’t cheat.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years – Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 10 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together – How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

1. The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson’s words: hmmmm. Barbecue.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter “e”, which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Why You Should Data A Nerd

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I’ve noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, “Who are you going out with this weekend?” In my 20s, relatives would say, “Who are you dating?” In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, “So, are you dating anyone yet?” Now people ask, “Where did you get that adorable purse?”

Would You Like To Live Here?

These are names of actual locations.

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman’s Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cockeysville (Maryland, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo – Democratic Republic)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley’s Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)


Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend’s and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

NFL Team Lame Names

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team’s performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.

AFC West:
Denver Broncos – Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs – Kansas City Grief’s
Los Angeles Raiders – Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers – San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks – Seattle Weehawks

AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals – Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns – Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers – Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh Reelers

AFC East:
Buffalo Bills – Buffalo Nils / Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts – Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins – Miami Stallfins / Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots – New England Patsys
New York Jets – New York Pets / New York Not Yets

NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints – New Orleans Aint’s
Los Angeles Rams – Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers – San Francisco Whiners

NFC Central:
Chicago Bears – Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions – Detroit Cryin’s / Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers – Green Bay Fudgepackers / Green Bay Slackers / Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings – Minnesota Tykes / Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tampa Bay Yuccaneers

NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals – Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys – Dallas Cowgirls / Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants – New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles – Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins – Washington Deadskins

Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers – Carolina Can’t-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars – Jacksonville Saguars

I Think I Found My New Job
I Think I Found My New Job
But After A Few Beers You Won’t Care!
But After A Few Beers You Won't Care!
Maybe I’ll Do Some Fishing Later
Maybe I'll Do Some Fishing Later
Some People Never Grow Up
Some People Never Grow Up
Made In America
Made In America
Don’t Judge Me! I have A Lot Of Drinking To Make Up For
Don't Judge Me! I have A Lot Of Drinking To Make Up For
Fun For Who?
Fun For Who
Makes Perfect Sense To Me
Makes Perfict Sence To Me
Like You Care Anymore
Like You Care Anymore
The Truth Is Ugly
The Truth Is Ugly

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