Friday Fun Stuff – 3-23-12

Thank You Wal-Mart

Sarah Silverman

Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night

  • But everybody looks funny naked!
  • You woke me up for that?
  • Did I mention the video camera?
  • Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  • Can you please pass me the remote control?
  • Do you accept Visa?
  • On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
  • Do you get any premium movie channels?
  • Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?
  • But I just brushed my teeth . . .
  • Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
  • Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  • Did I remember to take my pill?
  • But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . .
  • Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  • You’re almost as good as my ex!
  • Now I know why he/she dumped you . . .
  • What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  • I have a confession . . .
  • You can cook too, right?
  • Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
  • Don’t mind me . . . I always file my nails in bed.

A Story About 4 Body’s

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

You’re Know You’re From Alaska If…

…your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
…you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
…you know how to say Matanuska, Tokositna, Kichatna, Oshetna, Bodenburg and Muktuk.
…you think that ketchup is one of the seven main food groups.
…your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a motor home on the highway.
…your whole family wears mukluks to church on Sunday.
…you see people wearing camouflage at social events – including weddings and funerals.
…You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
…you’re proud that Alaska makes the national news 96 nights each year because Trapper Creek is the coldest spot in the nation.
…you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.
…your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
…you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of jellied moose nose.
…you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
…you have either a pet or child named “Bear”.

Early Aviation

From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930):

Keep the clock and altimeter wound up.

Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.

Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows.

Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don’t mistakenly go out the emergency exit.

If You Love Someone…

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, here’s the poison, suicide yourself for her.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
Don’t worry, she will come back.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she doesn’t comes back within some time forget her.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

C++ Programmer:
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that….

Bill Gates:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

If you love someone,
Set her free, She’ll evolve.

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high, if she doesn’t, the weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn’t, so what! “NEXT”.

Schwarzenegger’s fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,

Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan….
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn’t, keep following up with her and never give up!

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, it’s the law of gravity,
If she doesn’t, either there’s friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

If you love someone,
Set her free….
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn’t, Y = 2X – log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays’ style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours

If you love someone

Perfect Operation

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son
‘Yes, Dad, what is it? ‘

‘Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….’


“Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner

The Facts of Work

· The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
· If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
· The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
· Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
· If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
· A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
· Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
· It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
· After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
· You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
· Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
· When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
· There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
· Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous.”
· Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
· To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
· Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
· Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
· If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
· You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
· People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
· If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
· At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
· When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
· Following the rules will not get the job done.
· Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
· When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
· No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
· The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Ground Control

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, “US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on ‘Charlie’ taxiway; you turned right on ‘Delta.’ Stop right there! I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s & D’s, but try to get it right!”

Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, “God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?”

The humbled crew responded, “Yes, Ma’am.”

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state, and tension in every cockpit was running high.

Eventually an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, “Controller, wasn’t I married to you once?”

Limited Time Only

Are you sick of those stains on your carpet, the mess in the bathroom and kitchen? Are you worried that you will have to spend tons of money just to clean up what your loved one leaves behind? Now, you don’t have to worry because you can have your very own…………………… personalized husband!

The following is a list of the commands this product will perform:
1. It will clean up after itself.
2. It will stay out of your way.
3. It will keep the toilet seat down.
4. It will not talk back.
5. Worried about your kids? This baby can take care of anything!

Does this sound too good to be true? We forgot to mention.
It has an on/off switch!

Note: This product sold for a limited time only. Batteries not included.

Why Solders Need To Be Kept Busy
Then You Shouldn’t Have Put Her In The Fridge
I’m Going To Go Out On A Limb Here And Guess That Your Not A Dog Person
You Think Their Going To Write Him A Ticket For That?
1930′s Ad – Oh Yeah, It’s All Her Fault!
Especially If The One Before It Was A Transam
Movies We Hope We Never See - The Horror Filck Of The Year
Just Don’t Tell My Husband
Quick Honey, Get The Shovel!
As Long As It Doesn’t Have To Be For Mom

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