Spooky Scary Skeletons
The First Simpson Halloween (Easy-Bake Coven)
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…
1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
Halloween Costume Complaint
A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.” Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.” Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple.” Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Halloween Quotes
I wonder if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween – Me
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do. I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat . . . no thank you.” ~ Rita Rudner
Being in a band you can wear whatever you want–it’s like an excuse for Halloween everyday. ~ Gwen Stefani
Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. ~ Lindsay Lohan
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin. ~ Linus Van Pelt in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
I see my face in the mirror and go, ‘I’m a Halloween costume? That’s what they think of me? – Drew Care
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.- Rodney Dangerfield
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. – Jean Baudrillard
I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Charles Swartz
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” – Chris Rock
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. – Lewis Black
The Typo In The Graveyard
Two friends walked home late at night after a costume party. They decided to take a shortcut right through the local cemetery to see who could scare who first.
Suddenly, a strange tap-tap-tapping sound echoed through the misty air. They froze, gripping each other’s shoulders, peering into the shadows. Out stepped an old man holding a heavy hammer and a chisel, diligently chipping away at a fresh headstone.
Trembling, one of them called out, “Holy cow, Mister! You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What on earth are you doing working out here this late?”
The old man stopped, wiped his brow, and grumbled, “My family are such absolute fools! They completely misspelled my name, and now I have to stay up half the night fixing it myself!”
Top 10 Signs You’re at a Bad Halloween Party
10) Bobbing for Turnips
9) A carved watermelon in the window
8) Most abused substance: Candy Corn!
7) During game of Poker, when you lose a hand, you REALLY lose a hand!
6) No one enters the “Squeal Like A Pig” Room
5) Woman dressed as a witch actually turns the party’s drunk into one of the Budweiser Frogs.
4) Everyone uses one of those Monster Eye Straws from Taco Bell to drink from the punch bowl
3) Instead of “Monster Mash”, host decides to play the HANSON CD non-stop
2) Several scantily clad women standing by a bedroom door give new meaning to the phrase “Trick or Treat”. They’re all transvestites!
1) Roseanne shows up in her Pamela Anderson Baywatch costume
Too Sweet
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, “what are you supposed to say sweetheart?”
The little girl looks up at the woman and says “Twick or Tweat!”
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, “Go ahead honey say it just one more time.”
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, “Twick or Tweat!”
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, “Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fu(king cookies!”
Top Signs That You’re Too Old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Who Are You?
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”
Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.
5) Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
And the number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex…..
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!! LMAO
Things Are Not What They Seem
A Woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story….
Halloween Would Be A Great Time To Really Get Rid Of A Body
I Miss Playing These Tracks In Front Of My House On Halloween
How To Scare Your Boyfriend On Halloween
So Of Course They Want Cash Instead Of Candy
He’s Trying To Scare All The Single Guys
Have Fun Or Die Trying
Mom! I Found The Costume I Want!
Those Were The Days
There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Halloween
Why You Should Be Careful About Practical Jokes
