Ding Fries Are Done
New Year Resolutions For Pets
15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.
14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is “too” much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND
Resolutions You Can Actually Keep…
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :- )
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least…
1. Take up a new habit: smoking marijuana sounds good!
The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin’ even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Robinson’s, Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s.
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway–chargeaway–chargeaway all!”
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT……..YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”
Signs You Won’t Be Receiving A Bonus This Year
10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “crap” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the Bears.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with a call to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on y our head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . . .
And I know it’s ALL TRUE because I read it on the internet!
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity reads their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late : ) LOL
If I Can’t Do It I’m Gona To Make A Law So No One Can
* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can’t go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job– for men only– called a corset inspector.)
* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
* It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that s ex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have s ex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
* A Florida s ex law: If you’re a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can’t parachute on Sunday afternoons.
* Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio– a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t”
* No woman may have s ex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a s exual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.
Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they’re good ones)
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!
3. The best mini-vac for after meals clean up is the dog.
4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
8. If guys were supposed to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11. Simplify… hire a maid.
12: My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
13. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
14. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
15. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”
16. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
17. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”
Importance Of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where in the world she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
…………..And last but not least,
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order
1. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
2. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
3. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
4. Put them on hold.
5. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
6. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
7. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
8. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
9. When they give you the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
11. Order a one-inch pizza.
12. Order term life insurance.
13. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
14. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
15. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
16. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
17. Engage in some serious swapping.
18. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
19. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
20. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
21. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
22. Order a steamed pizza.
23. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
24. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
25. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
26. Say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
The Last 10 Things…
Any Woman Would Say
10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I’m wrong, you must be right again.
Any Man Would Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool moth@rf#cker.
9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her t!ts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a w@@dy.
4. Sure I’d love to wear a c@nd@m.
3. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. F$#k Monday Night Football, let’s watch the Life Time Network.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.