Yay or Nay: Should You Go to College?
Before the Vancouver 2010 winter Olympics, certain people asked interesting questions to the Canadian tourism bureau. These questions (and answers) about Canada were actually posted on an international Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What, did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare it by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
A Woman’s Random Thoughts
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free……. You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen fatty …. do it and die.”
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to her manager. Without identifying the guy, she tells her boss what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The manager is puzzled by this approach, and asks,
“What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “It’s Dave, the midget.”
“And now the sequence of events in no particular order.”
- Dan Rather, CBS anchor
“She’s got talent and personality. Give me two years and I’ll make her an overnight star.”
- Harry Cohn, Hollywood producer
“Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch.”
- Warren Beatty
“Some of the facts are true, some are distorted, and some are untrue.”
- a State Department spokesman, commenting on an article in Foreign Policy
“Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil …”
- directions given on television’s The French Chef
“I feel my best when I’m happy.”
- Winona Ryder
“Some of our friends are for it. Some of our friends are against it. And we’re standing with our friends.”
- Mike McCurry, Clinton White House press secretary
“We have nothing against ideas. We’re against people spreading them.”
- General Augusto Pinochet of Chile
“You should hear her sing. She’s a female Lena Horne.”
- Joe Pasternak, producer
“There has been no exclusion. We have simply excluded all the women.”
- Nicolas Romanoff, descendent of last Czar of Russia Nicholas II
“Hijackers should be given a rapid trial… with due process of law at the airport, then hanged.”
- Edward Davis, Police Chief, Los Angeles
“I am philosophically opposed to any fare increase. That does not mean I will not support one.”
- Joseph Alexander, Fairfax County (Virginia) supervisor
“She’s a wonderful, wonderful person, and we’re looking forward to a happy and wonderful night — uh, life.”
- Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts senator
“You can’t do it that way. You’d spoil the anticlimax.”
- Michael Curtiz, film director, to a writer rewriting a scene
“Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact.”
- Edward Koch, former New York City mayor
“Thank you for evoking memories, particularly of days gone by.”
- Mike Ingham, BBC-2 TV announcer
“Every minute was more exciting than the next.”
- actress Linda Evans
Things That Are Hard To Say When You’re Drunk
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when you’re drunk….
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street
I’ve Learned That:
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes…After that, you’d better have lots of money
Money cannot buy happiness…It can let you look in better places though
You shouldn’t compare yourself to others…They are more messed-up than you think
Heavy smokers should save their cigarette filters…They make excellent insulation for one’s attic
You should always leave loved ones with loving words…You may need to borrow money
Either you control your attitude…Or you will be put on medication
Your family won’t always be there for you…Unless, of course, you win the lottery
No matter how you try to guide your children…They may eventually get arrested and appear in the newspaper
You cannot make someone love you…All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
You can avoid high blood pressure by cutting yourself…Bleed for a while & reduce the pressure in your veins
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of the microwave…It’ll show you if microwaves are leaking if the bar melts
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock…Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
You should Love your neighbor…Just make sure her husband isn’t home first
If it weren’t for humor…We might never get at the truth
You should never get in a fight with an ugly guy…He has nothing to lose
If at first you don’t succeed…You’ll get lots of advice
Man Of The House
The husband had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess?!”
Pick Up Line Responses
These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:
Pick Up Line: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I and U together
Female Response: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put F and U together
Pick Up Line: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Female Response: did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell???
Pick Up Line: Where have you been all my life
Female Response: Hiding from you….how the hell did you find me?
Pick Up Line: I would die for you…
Female Response: Prove it!
Pick Up Line: I’m all you’ve got good lookin’
Female Response: then I must not have a lot
Pick Up Line: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Female Response: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore
Pick Up Line: So what do you do for a living?
Female Response: I’m a female impersonator
Pick Up Line: Is this seat empty?
Female Response: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down
Pick Up Line: So, wanna go back to my place?
Female Response: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Pick Up Line: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Female Response: It’s in the phone book
Pick Up Line: But I don’t know your name.
Female Response: That’s in the phone book too
Pick Up Line: What’s your sign?
Female Response: No Parking!
Pick Up Line: I know how to please a woman
Female Response: Then please leave me alone
Pick Up Line: Haven’t we met before?
Female Response: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic
More Fun Things To Do During An Exam
1. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
2. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
3. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
4. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
5. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
6. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
7. Bring a water pistol with you.
8. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
9. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
10. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
11. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
12. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
13. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. ”
14. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
15. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
16. One word: Wrestlemania.
17. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
18. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
19. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
20. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
21. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
22. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
23. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
24. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
25. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”
“Casual Day” Policy
Memo # 1:
Effective immediately, the Administrator has directed that Fridays will be “Casual Day” so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo # 2:
Perhaps the brief memo issued concerning “Casual Day” in our workplace requires some clarification. Effective immediately our dress code policy will change to “business casual”. Our research efforts have revealed that nine out of ten organizations in the United States have already adopted casual dress policies, and one-third of all government agencies now allow casual clothing every day. It has likewise been established that, when properly administered, the vast majority of organizations employing casual dress as standard business attire have done so with remarkable success. These reasons, among others, have validated my instincts that the time is right for implementing this change.
I hasten to remind all of you that Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.
Memo # 3:
Regarding the previous two memos issued by this office concerning the subject of “Casual Day”, I would like to remind some of our personnel that “Casual Day” was intended to refer to one’s dress only, not attitude.
When planning your Fridays’ wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo # 4:
Our new policy on “Casual Day” was intended to have all employees project a professional image while taking advantage of more casual and relaxed fashions.
It is therefore incumbent upon each one of us to use a little common sense in the matter of attire to closely mirror those of other organizations that have implemented casual dress.
This is a significant departure from relatively conservative past practices of our company. It is my belief, however, that changes such as these are not only well deserved, but also make for a more relaxed atmosphere.
I want to stress the importance of dressing properly, yet in a casual manner. While not singling out any particular unit, I would think the use of “halter-type tube-tops” and “hot pants” by female personnel may not be considered appropriate by clients visiting our offices.
All personnel shall be governed accordingly.
Memo # 5:
While casual dress offers a welcome alternative to the suits, ties, dress shoes and formality of the typical office, not all casual clothing is appropriate. Items that may be perfect for working in the yard, going on a picnic, engaging in sports or swimming will not be considered suitable office attire.
Regardless of the item, it is essential to avoid wearing anything that is excessively worn, frayed or wrinkled. The chart below lists examples of both appropriate and inappropriate dress. These examples are to be used as dress code guidelines of attire considered inappropriate.
If you have questions with regard to this dress code policy, please contact your office’s “Casual Friday” representative.
- clothing that is too tight, too short or too revealing
- frayed, faded, soiled or torn clothing
- clothing with offensive logos/symbols/messages
- spandex or shorts
- sweatpants, sweatshirts or jogging suits
- any type of halter top
- flip-flops or sandals
Memo # 6:
There are still some employees who appear to be taking undue advantage of our new “Casual Day” policy.
Therefore, it has been decided to conduct an all-day seminar concerning all aspects of this course of action.
Attendance is mandatory for all personnel, and no leave shall be granted.
We have invited representatives from seventeen other workplaces where this policy has been successfully implemented for some time to share the benefit of their experiences with us.
Memo # 7:
As an outgrowth of this past Friday’s seminar, a 74-member “Casual Day Break-Thru Team” has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Until their recommendations are submitted and reviewed by the Senior Managers, “Casual Day”, is here-by temporarily suspended.
Memo # 8:
After three months of daily meetings, our “Casual Day Break-Thru Team” has completed a 250-page manual. A draft copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been distributed to each employee.
Comments may be submitted to: Mr. Bob Smith for the next two weeks. After that time, the Senior Managers will again review all correspondence received and render a final report to the Administrator.
The target date for issuance of the completed Guidelines is prior to the end of the year.
Memo # 9:
Just in time for the Holidays, we are pleased to issue the final version of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards”. I will admit its 472 pages is a bit lengthy, but the Senior Managers strongly recommended a thorough booklet be published to include all possible instances of employee abuse.
Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual”
We are planning a fashion show, featuring clothing that will showcase outfits considered approved business casual attire. The details are being worked out, and we will be announcing the time and place of the show in the near future.
I hope our change to business casual wear in the new year will make you more comfortable in carrying out your daily work, and that together we will continue to look for ways to make our company a continual innovative leader in our industry.
Memo # 10:
The fashion show of approved business attire is scheduled for New Year’s Eve. With New Year’s Day itself being a State Holiday, it was the feeling of the Senior Managers that we could begin the New Year on January 2 with a renewed emphasis on “Team Spirit”.
Attendance at the fashion show is mandatory and no leave will be approved. All approved leave prior to the issuance of this memorandum is here-by rescinded. A brief seven page checklist will be issued at the show. All personnel are expected to utilize these lists before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDBTT representative before 0700 on Friday.
Memo # 11:
Because of lack of participation, “Casual Day” has been discontinued, effective immediately.