If Anti-Vaccine Parents Rode The Magic School Bus
Valentines Special, $500.
We arrest you in front of your wife & release you on the day after Valentines Day.
Includes camping fee, fishing license, tent, and beer.
We come in full police uniforms & blue lights.
Adulthood Can Be A Bit Of A Bitch
My parents at 27: married, multiple kids, house
Me at 27: I prefer to order food through an app so I don’t have to speak to any other humans
Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.
Age 17: Sneak out of the house to go to a party
Age 37: Sneak out of a party to go home
What’s an adult problem nobody prepared you for?
Fruit and vegetables expire faster when you’re the one paying for them.
My favorite childhood memory is my back not hurting
My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed n thinking about how tired I am
Welcome to adulthood. You have a plastic bag filled with 56 other plastic bags now.
Who knew the most taxing part of being an adult is trying to figure out what the fu(k to have for dinner every goddamn night until you die.
“Sorry I gotta be up early for work” is the adult equivalent of “my mom said no”
Apparently being an adult means googling phone numbers that call you rather than answering
Anyone else whisper “what the fu(k to themselves 96 times a day or is it just me??
Adulting is overrated and I would very much like to unsubscribe
Welcome to adulthood. You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I just wanna apologize to the people I called Old at 30 when I was 18.
My life is 50% wondering if it’s too late to drink coffee and 50% wondering if it’s too early to drink alcohol.
Your 30s is basically waking up every morning wondering if you’re coming down with a cold or if this is just how you wake up now.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow, you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
The older I get the more I understand why my mom always said “I’m going to go lay down”
30s may be the new 20s but 9pm is the new midnight
I remember the way I used to get excited whenever I received a letter addressed to me when I was younger, but every time I receive one now I think, “fu(k what now”
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Being an adult is having the “we have food at home” talk with yourself.
A Farmer Is Suing A Trucking Company
A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.
“Sir,” the trucking company’s lawyer says to the farmer, “my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?”
“Well, you see,” replies the farmer, “I was driving to the fair, and my favorite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and–”
“I didn’t ask for any details!” interrupts the lawyer. “Did you or did you not say that you were fine?”
“Well,” continues the farmer, “my pig, Polly, was riding in the back of my truck. I was going to enter her in the fair, and–”
The lawyer interrupts again. “Your honor, I think this man is a fraud. I ask him if he said he was fine after the accident, but instead of answering, he tells this story about his dog and his pig.”
“Well, I think the story sounds quite interesting,” says the judge. “We should let him finish before we jump to conclusions.”
The farmer thanks the judge and continues. “Anyways, this enormous truck runs a red light and flings all three of us out of the truck and into a ditch. It’s very painful, and by Spot’s whimpering and Polly’s squealing, I can tell they feel the same way.
“Along comes this highway patrolman. He hears Spot whimpering, and shoots him dead. He hears Polly squealing, and shoots her dead. Then he walks up to me with his gun, and…
“Well, what would you have said?”
Men And Women One-Liners
First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.
I haven’t found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.
Men have feelings too. . . . But who really cares.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.’
My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they’ll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.
The average woman prefers brains over beauty but the average man can see better than he can think.
Save the business cards of people you don’t like.
If you ever hit a parked car, write “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield!
Residents Describe Their States
HAWAII: You’re not welcome, but we’ll take your money.
IDAHO: Idaho? Do you mean Iowa?
ILLINOIS: Chicago and some other stuff.
INDIANA: Drive through us to get somewhere better.
IOWA: Iowa exists.
KANSAS: Flat and windy.
KENTUCKY: With horses, bourbon, and state parks, we’re not as bad as you’ve heard.
LOUISIANA: New Orleans is fun. Cajun country is Charming. And we’re sorry about the rest
MAINE: Half yuppie. Half hillbilly. Half Stephen King.
MARYLAND: If you can dream it, we can tax it.
Here’s The Way I Look At It
We have two options here:
1.) You let me take you out on a date. It is a little awkward at first because we met on tinder, but after you relax you can see I’m a charming gentleman.
Several years and many dates later, I’ll pop the question. We’ll have a large wedding with tons of family and friends.
A few years down the road we have a few kids and a baby on the way. You devote all your time to the kids, and I devote all my time to work and inevitably love leaves the relationship.
We get a divorce, and then raise 3 children in two households where each parent hates each other.
Or option 2.) we hook up, use a condom, and never speak again.
Think of the children…..
Top 10 Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you’re being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
When you don’t know how you know,
But you know you know,
And you know you knew,
And that’s all you needed to know.
Yep, that’s pretty much sums it up.
Top Ten Signs You Know You’ve Joined A Redneck HMO
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little “m”s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes “an apple a day”.
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park”.
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter’s