Summer As An Adult vs. A Kid
Good Girls – Bad Girls
Good girls say “thanks for a wonderful dinner”…
Bad girls say, “what’s for breakfast?”
Good girls never go after another girl’s man…
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties…
Bad girls don’t wear any.
Good girls wax their floors…
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot…
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner…
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…
Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.
Good girls believe you’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food.
Bad girls love Italian waiters.
Hey, This Is New, That’s Old
An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.”?
“But madam, he said, “you must know that you’re derriere is exposed!”??
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you’re fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question, dork?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
True Love Prevails
A young man had been seriously dating three lovely young women and finally found himself faced with the dilemma of which one to marry. As a test, he gave each of the women one thousand dollars.
The first girl decided to go for a complete hair and face makeover and new wardrobe. She returned to show off her new look and said, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why, you ask? Because I love you, dear.”
The second girl returned with new golf equipment, new TV, DVD player, stereo and a month’s supply of beer and said, “I’ve purchased all these things for you, dear. They are my gifts to you because I love you so.”
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the initial thousand to the young man and said, “”I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future. That is how much I love you, my darling.”
The young man was extremely impressed with all three of their responses. After giving everything long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You know you’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
- You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
- You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can’t remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
It Couldn’t Hurt To Ask
For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning I noticed he had left a not to himself on the kitchen counter that read, “STAMPS!” As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work. The next morning I found the same note. “STAMPS!” was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I’ll pray for you!
Even More Clues That You Could Be A Redneck
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• Your dog goes “oink!”
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
• You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
• You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
• You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
• The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
• You can’t take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
The Economy Is So Bad That…
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “Clean your plate. Do you know how many kids are starving in the US?”