Toilet Tissue from The Carol Burnett Show
Fun Things Not To Do At A Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn’t like them.
17. Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased’s gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased’s lips just before the widow’s last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one’s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased’s mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream “MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!” and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you’re from the IRS and you’re confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn’t keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
Canceling Plans Excuse Generator
|Choose An Intro||Choose A Scapegoat||Choose A Delay|
|Sorry I can’t come||my nephew||just shit the bed|
|Please forgive my absence||the ghost of Hitler||died in front of me|
|This is going to sound crazy but||the Pope||won’t stop telling me knock knock jokes|
|Get this:||my ex||is having a nervous breakdown|
|I can’t go because||a high school marching band||gave me syphilis|
|I know you’re going to hate me but||Dan Rather||poured lemonade in my gas tank|
|I was minding my own business and boom!||a sad down||stabbed me|
|I feel terrible but||kid from Air Bud||found my box of human teeth|
|I regretfully cannot attend,||a professional cricket foam||stole my bicycle|
|This is going to sound like an excuse but||my Tinder date||posted my nudes on Instagram|
Modern Economic Lingo
1. CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2. CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
3. BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
5. VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
6. P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
7. BROKER — What my broker has made me.
8. STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
9. STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
10. STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
11. FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
12. MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
13. CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
14. YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
15. WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Last year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
17. PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Indian Genius Vs. White Man Stupidity
When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
- No Taxes
- No Debt
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Medicine man free
- Women did all the work
- Men hunted and fished all the time
The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
Nicknames For Coworkers
KITKAT: Always taking a break.
BUTTER KNIFE: Not the sharpest tool in the box.
ARTHUR: Does “half a” job.
MOTION LIGHT: Only works when someone walks past.
E.T: Always wants to go home.
SEAWEED: Floats around all day and stinks like shit.
LANTERN: Not very bright and has to be carried.
DECK CHAIR: Always folds under pressure.
G- SPOT: You can never find them.
DAISY: Some daisy’s in, some daisy’s isn’t.
FORESKIN: Disappears when things get hard.
COLESLAW: They’re 90% cabbage.
Size Does Matter
Results of a women’s survey on size.
2 inches – I can’t even hold it.
3 inches – Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches – I’ve had bigger than it.
5 inches – Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches – perfect.
7 inches – Love it.
8 inches – Wow! But can’t have it all.
9 inches – Painful but manageable.
10 inches – Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was actually a customers’ feedback on different SIZES of SUBWAY SANDWICHES!!!!
But I love the way you all think! This is why I worry about you all.
Some Old Some New
An angry wife to her husband on phone:
“Where the hell are you …?”
Husband: Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said “Baby it’ll be yours one day … “:)
Wife, with a smile & blushing: Yeah I remember that my Love!
Husband: I‘m in the Pub just next to that shop!!
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip?
All of them gave a same reply…”What trip?”
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
The husband responds in a low tone:
“Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
Lion pounced on wife
In an African Safari, a Lion suddenly pounced on Max’s wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
MAX: Yes, Yes. I’m changing the battery of my camera.
Throwing knives at wife’s picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her “Hi, what are you doing?”
His honest reply, “MISSING YOU”
Habit of talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Part & Art of living
Having a “WIFE” is a part of “living”…
But having a “GIRLFRIEND” along with the “WIFE” is “art of living”.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around
& no one teaches how to choose a wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
Why did you shoot your wife?
Judge: “Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?
Defendant: Your honor, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting a man every week.
Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
Well Who Did You Think It Was From?
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
Crude, rude, lude, and simply disgusting!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn’t eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven’t even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can’t we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a delinquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! I’m sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I’ll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I’ll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! What’s in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa’s going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you’ll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy’s Throwing up in the bathroom.
That’s ok dear your father can take care of himself.
But Billy’s eating all the big pieces.
I did warn you!
Who Says The Army Doesn’t Have Great Salesman
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”