Man Pranks Mourners At His Own Funeral As His Coffin Is Being Buried
You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.
2. The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
3. You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
4. You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
5. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
6. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
7. Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
8. After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.
9. You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
10. You pick up your girlfriend on a bike for the prom.
11. The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
12. A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”
13. You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
14. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
15. In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”
16. You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.
17. You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.
18. You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
19. You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.
20. Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
Hazardous Materials Information Sheet
Women: A Chemical Analysis
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Very effective cleaning agent. (Not so sure on this one)
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I Passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can’t fix stupid.
Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
1. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party
2. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding
3. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce (We all knew it wouldn’t last At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice)
4. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return
5. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested
6. The police are at the back door Cover me
7. I’m having my nails done
8. I’m having my colors done
9. I’m having my head examined
10. I’m going to the bank
11. I’m going to sleep
12. I’m going over the edge
13. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital
14. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor
15. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo
16. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer
17. I need to check into a rest home
18. I’m breaking in my shoes
19. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend
20. I’m breaking out
21. I have to pick up my dry cleaning
22. I have to pick out a car
23. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists I thought I’d go to a ball game instead
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’
The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”
Even More Telephone Answering Machine Message Ideas
(in an Italian mafia style tone:)
“Hello. I can’t come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we’re going to have to size it a little…
(To the tune of “Heartbreak Hotel” with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
“I just left home baby
I’ll be out fer a spell
and if you don’t leave a message baby you can go to
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
“The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS…. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP”
“I can’t come to the phone now, so…hey…that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time…yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings…I might even play my beep for you…”
“Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll…don’t even think about it!…don’t…!”
“As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone…the telephone is next to an answering machine…you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine…you hear a beep…”
“No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.”
“I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.”
The Century Of ‘LESS’
It is true…in the 21st Century:
Our Communication – Wireless
Our Phones – Cordless
Our Cooking – Fireless
Our Food – Fatless
Our Sweets – Sugarless
Our Labor – Effortless
Our Relations – Fruitless
Our Attitude – Careless
Our Feelings – Heartless
Our Politics – Shameless
Our Education – Worthless
Our Mistakes – Countless
Our Arguments – Baseless
Our Youth – Jobless
Our Ladies – Topless
Our Boss – Brainless
Our Jobs – Thankless
Our Needs – Endless
Our Situation – Hopeless
Our Salaries – Less and less
At the same time I would like to add the following:
“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.”
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
A good walk spoiled.
-Mark Twain, definition of golf
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
We weren’t trying to walk him; he just wouldn’t swing at any bad pitches.
-Bobby Cox, on the Braves walking Barry Bonds 7 times in a series
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.
Who’s the one guy who thinks we can do it?
-Mike Gottfried, Kansas football coach, on learning that the odds against Kansas winning the Big Eight were 100 to 1
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.
The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.
-Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
Women: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
It’s about this Mormon who somehow becomes a porn star.
-Chris Gray, summarizing for me the Trey Parker/Matt Stone movie “Org azmo”
I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it.
One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-Lady Nancy Astor
Beauty is only skin-deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
I haven’t been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake.
Start slow and taper off.
-Walt Stack, on life
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Adolescence is the stage between infancy and adultery.
The Top Signs You’re Out of Shape
• You’ve ever sprained something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
• People at work only refer to you by saying “Hey fatso!”
• You’ve thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
• Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
• Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
• You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin’ To The Oldies.
• You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
• Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
• The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers “Its elastic belt time, tubby”
There’s A Fly In My Coffee
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
The Italian – throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee
The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee
The Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge
The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, & buys himself a new cup of coffee, and then uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union for a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are trying to explain to the Israeli why he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.