Classic Bill Cosby On Noah
Casual Sex Friday
Signs You Ate Too Much Over The Holidays
13. You “roll” out of bed in the morning…and keep rolling!
12. Even your jeans have stretch marks
11. Your mother-in-law comments about your lace drapes and what a lovely nightgown they’d make you
10. Your husband has suddenly added new locks in the house…to the fridge, the pantry, the freezer, the pet food bin…
9. You’ve been receiving “Thanks for subscribing” emails from weight loss sites when you haven’t subscribed.
8 Your best friend gives you the evil eye whenever you mention the “F” word . . . FOOD!
7. Your husband has added an extra beam under the suddenly-sagging kitchen floor
6. The elephants in the local zoo are whistling in your direction
5. People you meet are congratulating you while glancing at your tummy
4. You need a new scale – the old one says “tilt” each time you step on it
3. You press “UP” in an elevator…and it doesn’t
2. You were mistaken for the main act at the Sumo Wrestling match
And the #1 sign you ate too much over the holidays:
1. During your winter vacation, groups of people at the beach stand behind you for shade
Andy Rooney On Sex
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me about his job.
His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds.
First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a “Phen.”
Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a “Phoose.”
Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck.
He called it… “Charlie”.
You people have dirty minds!
Things You’d Like To Hear
just once …
From a mechanic:
“That part is much less expensive than I thought.”
“I’ve never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.”
“You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.”
“It was just a loose wire. No charge.”
From your child’s preschool teacher:
“Everyone misbehaved today except Michael.”
“Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks.”
“I wish we had 20 Michaels.”
From a store sales assistant:
“The computerized cash register is down. I’ll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.”
“I’ll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers.”
“We’re sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We’ll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer.”
From your doctor:
“Of course I’ll come by your house to check on you.”
“Give me a call at home over the weekend if you’re not feeling better.”
“Sure, come on by this afternoon, we’ll work you in.”
“I’ll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test.”
“Here, take these samples.”
“Don’t worry about it, there’s no charge for that.”
“Yes, the test shows exactly what is wrong with you and this is how you heal it.”
“I recommend you get a second opinion.”
From a contractor:
“Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.”
“I think I came in a little high on that estimate.”
From a dentist:
“I think you’re flossing too much.”
“I won’t ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth.”
From restaurant staff:
“I think it’s presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it’s Tim.”
“I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip.”
Just Got Thrown Out Of The Local Mosque
Just got thrown out the local mosque again. I was standing there all quiet during prayers….And…Well….I couldn’t help myself… I fucking love leapfrog.
A Man’s Prenuptial Agreement
I, the undersigned, _____________ a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:
Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01: And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2: I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.
Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.
Section 5: In bed, I will be more then happy to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and will always love your *weekend* beard.
Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.
Section 7: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything mechanical. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Words For 2012
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You’ve hit ‘reply all’)
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonder bra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there’s actually nothing in there worth seeing.
TRAMP STAMP: Tattoo on a female.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.
What Did You Call That Cake?
My husband and I were invited to a party and each couple brought a dish.
When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called “Better Than Sex Cake.”
After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, “I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert.”
The Photo On The Night Stand
After a long night of making love, to his new girlfriend the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
‘Is this your husband?’ he nervously asks.
‘No, silly,’ she replies, snuggling up to him.
‘Your boyfriend, then?’ he continues.
‘No, not at all,’ she says, nibbling away at his ear.
‘Is it your dad or your brother?’ he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
‘No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!’ she answers.
‘Well, who in the hell is he, then?’ he demands.
She whispers in his ear
‘That’s me before the surgery.’…
Moose Head Beer
They dressed the truck up with the guy dummy spread eagle on the roof of the truck.
The driver and passengers put on Moose Heads.
Down the Maine Toll interstate they went causing about 16 accidents.
They went to jail.
(some cops have no sense of humor)