In These CERTAIN Times – Spoof Pandemic Ad
Famous Last Words
Of really stupid people
“I’ll get a world record for this.”
“He’s probably just hibernating.”
“What does this button do?”
“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”
“So, you’re a cannibal…”
“It’s probably just a rash.”
“Are you sure the power is off?”
“Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?”
“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“Which wire was I supposed to cut?”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I’ve seen this done on TV.”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”
“It’s strong enough for both of us.”
“This doesn’t taste right.”
“I can make this light before it changes.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“I’ve done this before.”
“Well, we’ve made it this far.”
“You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”
“Don’t be so superstitious.”
“Now watch this…”
Wedding Night Pranks
The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.
The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.
The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as planned.
A few days later, each of the groom’s three friends received a letter saying the following: “Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback but I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.”
University Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at the University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS – Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)
HE104: Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called “No, It’s Not A Bidet”)
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bull$hit
IR104: Romanticism – Other Ideas Beyond Se x
IR105: Marriage – Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
University Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at the University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) – Learning To Sleep Over At Mother’s
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You’re On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
GE101: You, The Whining Se x
GE102: Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How To Drive A Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching “The Three Stooges”
IR105: Marriage – The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Watch What You Say
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
“Well,” the father asked, “did you enjoy your ride with mommy?”
“Oh yes, Daddy” the girl replied, “and do you know what? We didn’t see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!”
Sound ‘em out!!!
Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben?
Previously long phrase: “Goodness, it’s been a long time since we’ve chatted, hasn’t it?”
Abbreviation #2: utypliksht
Previously long phrase: “Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood’s speed-typing course?”
Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass?
Previously long phrase: “Are you sure about that?”
Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail?
Previously long phrase: “So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?”
Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem
Previously long phrase: “Wouldn’t you rather just type the whole phrase out?”
A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.
Things Woman Wish They Could Say When They’re Stressed
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless
acts of self-control?
11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Rednecks: Ya Gotta Luv’em
How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies …..”Go ahead.”
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed when a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor’s Mansion burned down?
‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D.? ‘ and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’
The Importance Of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.