Friday Fun Stuff – 9-12-25

Coneheads Family Feud – SNL

Clean Your Balls

Real Life Pool Rules

• Guests only. If you look poor or gross, we will kick you out.
• Use pool at your own risk. Don’t come crying to us with your broken arm.
• No running, jumping. Or rough housing. In other words. No fun.
• If you have open sores, cuts, or diarrhea. Why would you be at the pool. Go to the doctor.
• Swimwear required. Unless you are a hot chick, then no one will say a damn thing.
• No food or drinks allowed. How many times do we need to tell you. No fun at this pool.
• The life guard is probably on a beer run, swim at your own risk.
• “Hold my beer” or “Watch this” is not allowed.
• Belly flops will be rated on a scale of 1-10.
• First aid kit is located at the hospital.

Report any unsafe or objectionable behavior (fun) to owner immediately.

I Need To Try That

I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wunvth ainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has npjd”ow fablus I feel ri ow. Sned this to all ur renz who need inner pizz. An =elum u Iuvum.

Gold-Star Parents Owning The Chaos!

daughter: hurry, dad! I can’t hold it!
me: excuse me, do you have a restroom?
cashier: no
me: do you have a mop?
cashier: restroom’s the second door on your right

My son said he has a hard time falling asleep because his brain keeps sending him notifications, and that’s the best description I’ve ever heard

The stuff they don’t tell you in parenting books, like how much you’ll literally jump for joy when your kid can finally blow his nose into a tissue properly

My 7yo is trying to do schoolwork while my two youngest play in the same room and he says, “Mom you don’t understand how hard it is to think with all this noise!”
Nope, can’t imagine what that’s like.

You can either have a nice family game night, or you can play Monopoly.
But you cannot have both.

Why does my family need dinner every night?
Didn’t we just eat yesterday?

Last night I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 12:30 to my 12 yo (who went to bed 2 hrs before) turning off house lights, he put a blanket on me and was cleaning up my dish and can of coke zero.
I love that kid.

Welcome back to school.
Please enjoy the complimentary virus starter pack.

10 yo: my new PE teacher has huge muscles!
me: so he’s strong like me?
10 yo: this is no time for dad jokes.

Sorry we’re late, my toddler would only get dressed in his green pants this morning.
He doesn’t have any green pants.

*our pet fish died*
10 yo: what should we do with him?
me: well, probably flush him down the toilet.
10 yo: oh really?! Guess we shoulda flushed Grandma down the toilet too, huh?!

“THERE BETTER NOT BE A FROG IN THE HOUSE,” and other things I’ve said today.

Having one kid in school, and the other not starting until next week is like having one sock on when you really want to take them both off.

10 yo: dad why is school for 5 days and then not for only 2 days?
me: cause work is the same way
10 yo: well I think it’s stupid

We just got home from a week on a lake in Maine. Had a 12 hour travel day yesterday. Kids woke up this morning and within 15 minutes my four year old asked if we could “go somewhere fun today.”

My daughter made me breakfast in bed (a protein bar and a protein waffle) and the mess in the kitchen was…not proportionate.

Embracing my body as a mother is so important, for my mental health as well as to prepare me for today, when my toddler mooed at me as I stepped out of the shower.

School email: and don’t forget your kid will need a recorder this year
me: *unsubscribe* *blocked*

Just Got Thrown Out Of The Local Mosque

Just got thrown out the local mosque again. I was standing there all quiet during prayers….And…Well….I couldn’t help myself… I fucking love leapfrog.

Q&A Driving Test

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Some Kids Just Need A Marine

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence…

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

One Liners By Stewart Francis

• So what if I can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world.
• Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets…then it hit me
• I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music, at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
• I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
• My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”
• Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.
• My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
• Even though I’m proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.
• I’ve always wanted to go to a bookstore and ask if they have a book titled ‘How to deal with rejection without killing’ and see what they say.
• My parents were mixed race. My father preferred the 100 meters. My mom was Pakistani.”
• But what if dolphins don’t want to swim with retarded children?
• And I remember swimming back to shore thinking, my Dad doesn’t like me very much.
• No, I’m not a misogynist, go ask my wife, she’s waiting in the car.
• Anyone who accuses me of stealing their jokes can kiss my black ass!

Why Are Diapers Called That?

Ever wonder why baby diapers are called Luvs, Huggies, and Pampers—but for old folks, it’s Depends?

Here’s the deal: Babies poop their pants and people still Luv ‘em, Hug ‘em, and Pamper ‘em.

But when old folks do it… well, it depends on who’s in the will!

True Stories Told On Insurance Forms

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

You Didn’t Think This Was Dirty Did You?

You laid on my naked body and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore last night’s events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you, you freakin mosquito!!

And The Terrorists Think They Can Scare Us By Hijacking An Airliner