Friday Fun Stuff – 9-6-19

Things That Make Retail Workers Want To Hide In The Back

If “Netflix And Chill” Were Honest

Great Messages For Your Answering Machine

“This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is supercilious.”

“The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.”

“This is Jeff, you’re not in now so I’ll leave a message.”

“Hi! You have reached 867-5309. This is an answering machine. This is the Eighties. You know what to do.”

Ring, Ring:
“The number you have reached xxx-xxxx (my number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, my number). Please re-dial.”

(Background music is frantic, violin oriented)
“Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.”

(phone rings)
(you answer) “Hello, this is (insert your name here) speaking. I’d like a large pizza with extra anchovies.”
(other person) “What?”
(you reply) “Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.”
(hang up)

“I’m home right now. I’m just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?”

“Hi, you have reached (insert your name here) Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call”.

“This is David. I’m not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday.”

“Hello, this is Dr. (insert your name here). If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can’t, so if you could leave your name and number maybe I’ll get back to you.”

“Hello, I’m not here right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.”

“Hi this is (insert your name here). I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.”

“Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?”

“Hello, this is (insert your name here). I’m home right now, and in a few moments, I’ll have a decision to make. BEEEP!”

Why Ask Why

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible “black box” that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Famous Literary Drunks & Addicts

Did the drugs cause the art or did the art cause the drugs?

Edgar Allan Poe (1809 – 1849): Alcohol, Opiates

William S. Burroughs (1914 – 1997): Heroin
“Junk is not, like alcohol or weed, a means to increased enjoyment of life. Junk is not a kick. It is a way of life.” Burroughs stopped doing smack in the 1970s, after decades of near-constant use.

Brendan Behan (1923 – 1964): Alcohol
The larger-than-life Irish dramatist, poet, and novelist once said, “I only take a drink on two occasions: when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.”

Dorothy Parker (1893 – 1967): Alcohol
“One more drink and I’ll be under the host.”

Jack Kerouac (1922 – 1969): Alcohol
“I’m Catholic and I can’t commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death.” And so he did.

Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951): Alcohol
The Nobel Prize-winning author of more than a few American classics — Main Street, Babbit, Arrowsmith, Elmer Gantry, and more — Lewis was a titanic and tragic drunk.

Ernest Hemingway (1899 – 1961): Booze
Notorious for making fun of his fellow writers who sought relief from their own alcoholism (when Fitzgerald admitted that alcohol had bested him, Hemingway urged him to toss his “balls into the sea — if you have any balls left”), Papa himself was an increasingly messy drunk. George Plimpton once famously observed that by the end, Hemingway’s ruined liver protruded from his belly “like a long fat leech.”

Hunter S. Thompson (1937 – 2005): Everything
“I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

Anne Sexton (1928 – 1974): Alcohol, Drugs
Winner of the 1967 Pulitzer Prize for poetry, Sexton was a popular and respected “confessional” poet (and former model) who battled depression and substance abuse for much of her life.

James Baldwin (1924 – 1987): Alcohol

Dylan Thomas (1914 – 1953): Alcohol
“Do not go gentle into that good night, / Old age should burn and rave at close of day; / Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

Two Truths Of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story — In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats.”

But, none of them comes up to the man – touch his penis and say, “Good job.”

Moral of the story — Hard work is rarely appreciated.

He Said She Said

He said…I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you

He said…Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said…It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said…Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

He said…What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said…Why don’t you tell me when you have an org@sm?
She said…I would, but you’re never there.

He said…Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said…That’s a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Marketing Terms Defined

NEW:………………..Different color from the previous design.
ALL NEW:…………….Parts not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE:…………..Imported product.
UNMATCHED:…………..Almost as good as the competition.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY:……Manufacturers costs cut to the bone.
FOOLPROOF ADJUSTMENT:…No provision for adjustment.
ADVANCED DESIGN:……..Ad writer doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST:……Rush job, nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED:………..Manufacturer lacked test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY:……….Unit on which all parts fit.
DIRECT SALES ONLY:……Manufacturer had argument with distributor.
RUGGED:……………..Too heavy to lift.
LIGHTWEIGHT:…………Lighter than Rugged.
YEARS OF DEVELOPEMENT:…Finally got one that worked.
BREAKTHROUGH:………..We finally figured out a way to sell it.
FUTURISTIC:………….Can’t figure out another reason why it looks the way it does.
ENERGY SAVING:……….Achieved when the power switch is off. (or when switch is on, no other heating is necessary).
DISTINCTIVE:…………A different color or shape from the competition.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN:…..Will operate through the warranty period.

What Starts With F And Ends With K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry: ’9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry: ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Fire truck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.’

Marriage Quotes By Men

• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
• It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’ ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out.’
• Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
• A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!’ Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
• I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months…I don’t like to interrupt her.
• If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

What To Do When This Machine Breaks Down

1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each member of staff an opportunity to correct the problem. Whenever possible, ALL controls and adjusting screws should be turned.

2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an URGENT call for service. Fridays are best, but any time after 4 p.m. is o.k.

3. Alert tall personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the engineer.

4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references about the man who was here for the same problem last week.

5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.

6. The minute the engineer arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that you expected him two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service.

7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings works well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.

8. Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair, someone who has never seen or used the machine is preferable. Bad breath is a plus here and scores bonus points.

9. Ask again when the machine will be ready. Good timing is essential and when the machine is in 800 pieces and spread all over the floor will be just grand.

10. Be sure the machine is in a narrow passage with plenty of people passing by, each making a comment about the time the repair is taking. The lighting should be as low as possible, good engineers can work blindfolded.

11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the engineer is looking at the schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he’s doing. It doesn’t hurt to mention that you repaired the toaster last week without the aid of a schematic diagram.

12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Say it should be a swell job as it took long enough.

13. Try to get the engineer to lower the bill. They make too much money anyway.

14. After he has gone, call his supervisor and say the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter with copies to the Head Office.

Follow these rules on every call no matter how small the problem

The Top 10 Signs You’re Flying On A Bad Airline

1. The engine’s being held on by duct tape.
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
3. In-flight movie has “Ernest” in its title.
4. Pilot informs you that you’re at cruising altitude and he’s gonna put the top down.
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
6. As you’re taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase “Guest Pilot Program”
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club…”she” has a beard and bigger arms than you!
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
10. You look down and see a copy of “Fixing a Plane for Dummies” by the mechanic’s feet!!!

Wow A Double Face Plant