Steve Martin’s Great Flydini Amazing Magic Tricks on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show 1992
Signs You’re A Redneck Jedi
• You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
• Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
• At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
• You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
• You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
• You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
• You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
• You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
• You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
• If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.
The author, Hugh Gallagher, was admitted to NYU.
(Hey! No wonder, huh?)
ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.”
This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards It appeared in the May issue of Literary Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published by Scholastic in New York City Gallagher, who was eighteen at the time, grew up in Newtown Square, Pennsylvania, and attended New York University the fall after this was written.
Famous Last Words
• You’ll be perfectly safe behind this lead shield
• That’s not smoke, that’s steam
• Of course it’s sterile
• We should have enough gas to make it to higher ground
• The IRS expects you to cheat. Everybody does it!
• It’s so tame, you can put your head in its mouth
• Relax, I can get ya outta this easy. No sweat!
• It was fresh just last week
• These are the safe kind of mushrooms
• It should be OK to swim in
• He’s been a perfectly safe driver, ever since the accident
• My wife’s not at all jealous. We have an “open” marriage
• Clip the red wire first
• These Jury trials never last more than a day or so
• It’s unplugged, go ahead and remove the cover
• It’s OK to format this disk
• They don’t bother tourists, their economy depends on us
• It’s supposed to make that noise
• That law’s been on the book for years, they don’t even enforce it
• It doesn’t look like the bridge is out
• Besides, they only attack when they’re hungry
• The boss won’t mind; anyway, he’ll never know
• It shouldn’t take long to reach the Airport from here
• I’m sure I turned all the lights off
• I bet I can fit in there
• The law requires regular safety inspections, don’t worry
• Hey! Relax! I’ve done this hundreds of times
• That’s only a puddle, go ahead, keep driving
• He’s bluffing! That’s a toy gun
• Don’t worry; I’m always bringing people home for dinner
• Let me assure you, this operation is routine
• Those warning labels are only to avoid lawsuits
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This page will teach you everything you need to know.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
“Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
- Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
- Important social contacts
- A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
- Get it over with as soon as possible
- Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
- Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two general categories:
1. things that need to be fixed, and
2. things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF “STAR TREK”
Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies. It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:
- “I won’t change anything without asking you first.”
- “I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”
- “I have to have new equipment to do my job.”
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.
Examples of bad press for Engineers:
- Space Shuttle Challenger
- Hubble space telescope
- Apollo 13
- Ford Pinto
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
Risk: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people
Reward: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
- How smart they are
- How many cool devices they own
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal — a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
Hey!!! Cheer up
• The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund
• They say the house didn’t float very far at all
• We’re all amazed that you go on living each day
• Well, at least the operation was a partial success
• The “National Enquirer” just loved those nude shots of you
• The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow
• With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal
• The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions
• At least the passenger side air bag inflated
• The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars
• At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did
• The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird
• The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers
• Those Grand Juries always over-react — Don’t worry about it
• Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits
• The boss said while you’re sick, he’d do all your work personally
• Microsoft’s Tech Support said those errors just aren’t possible
• Your mistress isn’t sure the child’s yours after all
• You can always say you didn’t know the gun was loaded
• She might settle out-of-court for less than a million
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday.
“Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
“It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.”
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’
After a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy.’
The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them
1. No, I don’t care who you are.
2. No, I don’t care who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don’t have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can’t give you a break.
9. No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can’t talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Traffic And Driving
Traffic is terrible these days, and parking is even worse. The other day I saw a city tow truck impounding a car illegally parked. While the guy was hooking up the car, another motorist was stopped behind him, patiently waiting to pull into the spot.
My daughter asked me one time, “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?”
Man I hate tailgaters! But you know who I hate even more than tailgaters?
It’s the damn people who drive too slow.
Actually if ya think about it, you really don’t need a whole lot of manners if you’re in a 35 ton truck.
Why is it that when most people drive everyone going slower than they are is a moron, and those going faster are maniacs?
I can’t understand why funerals are allowed to go through red lights?
I mean, what’s the big hurry?
In most big cities in the US, everything is built with the car in mind. You can eat in your car, bank in your car, even pick-up prescriptions in your car. It won’t be long before you’ll be able to get married, go on a honeymoon, then get divorced, all without ever getting out of your car.
The old narrow trails where two carts could barely pass without colliding were eventually replaced with paved highways. In modern times though, we’ve really made advances. Now, with splendid multi-lane wide, high speed Inter State highways, six or eight vehicles can all collide at one time.
SOME REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR
- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places
- Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel
- You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a mountain bike
- Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take “The Club”
- When you gas up, the attendant asks “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
- While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt
- For the last year, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom vroom” noises while sitting in the driveway
- Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-up
While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it’s tough being married to a smart ass.
A woman strolling along the beach found an old bottle washed up by the surf. She rubbed it and out popped a genie. Amazed, she asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…What’ll it be?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be reasonable. These people have been at war for as long as they’ve been around. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for nine hundred years. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”
The genie let out a long, deep sigh and said, “Let me see that damned map again”