Prenatal Pole Dancing DVD
Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard
Things You Can’t Say When You’re Drunk
Things That Are Hard To Say When You’re Drunk
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at women’s legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dog’s have owners. Cat’s have staff.
Dogs shed, cats shred.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
People that hate dogs will come back as cats in their next life.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Women and cats will do as they please… men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Painful Break Up
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back.”…He also sent it postage due.
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can’t woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say “hi, my name’s Bob. I’m an alcoholic”?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use-by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think i’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
11. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
12. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
13. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
14. Why do you call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
15. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!
Demon: It’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie- you’re already dead, remember?
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever… If you go Bankrupt…well, you’re dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean?…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you’re dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Demon: “Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”
Even More Fun Stuff To Do When You Have A Roommate
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, “I was curious.”
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn’t obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, “Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,” and “Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel.” Comment often about how much you love the paintings
Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate’s name. Complain that you never get mail.
Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, “I’m watching you.”
Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you’re afraid of aliens.
Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, “I bought it for the articles.”
Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, “Damn diarrhea.”
Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
Groom yourself like a cat.
Say everything in Pig Latin.
Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
Two words: Nudist colony.
Tattoo your roommate’s name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.
Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn’t there.
Constantly ask your roommate, “Do you feel lucky?” while fingering a bulge under your jacket.
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
6. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Drugs & Circular Logic
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you’ve tried this…)
On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)