Hey Rush Limbaugh, Happy Memorial Day, God-dammit!
Unlikely Barney Episodes
1. “BARNEY GETS A BONER”
2. “BARNEY’S NIGHT WITH MADONNA”
3. “BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD”
4. “BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS”
5. “JURASSIC BARNEY”
6. “BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN”
7. “BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS”
8. “BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER”
9. “BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG”
10. “PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO”
11. “BOPPING BABY BOP”
12. “BARNEY’S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS”
13. “BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET”
14. “BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA”
15. “BARNEY ON A BENDER”
16. “BARNEY HAS NEEDS…”
17. “BARNEY AT BETTY FORD”
18. “BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS”
19. “BARNEY’S BIG PURPLE ONE”
20. “BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL”
21. “BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE”
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”
Society’s Burning Questions
1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
4. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
5. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
6. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do… write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
10. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
11. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
12. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
13. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
14. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
15. Clones are people two.
16. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
17. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
18. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
19. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
20. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
21. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.
22. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
23. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
24. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
25. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
26. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
The Psychiatrist And The Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided, that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Tech Support
1. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
2. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
3. “So…what are you wearing?”
4. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
5. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
6. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
7. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
8. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
9. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
10. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
11. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
12. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”
Types Of Boyfriends And Girlfriends
1. Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3. Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6. The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”
9. Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
1. Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2. Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3. Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
4. The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6. Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love on the front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7. Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8. Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9. Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
True Stories Told On Insurance Forms
1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(And that would be how…?)
4. On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.”
(But it’s “just” a suggestion)
5. On a tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down.”
(Oops, too late!)
6. On bread pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
(As night follows the day….)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(But wouldn’t this save even more time?)
8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
(I gotta admit, I’m curious.)
12. On peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?… Good grief)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
(“Hey Mom we’re out of syrup!” – “It’s OK, honey! Just grab the Palmolive!”)
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: “If swallowed contact poison control.”
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.”
(“Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids!” – “Aww, you mean we have to use the swimming pool?”)
Variations On Murphy’s Law
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway’s Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.
15. Heeler’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
17. Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
18. Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, losamoney, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed. with another man.
“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?