Friday Fun Stuff – 12-30-11

Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin

The Dee Dee Dee Song

By Carlos Mencia

Mind of Mencia

Dee Dee Dee Song

www.comedycentral.com

Race Jokes

Political Humor

Play Carlos Mencia Games

Signs You Won’t Be Receiving A Bonus This Year

10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “crap” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the Bears.

Best Blonde Joke Ever

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

Grandparents

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp/

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!”

Hey, You Married Him

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, “Put ‘MYPENIS’ ” and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, “Error. Not long enough.”

Holiday Warning

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.

Politically Incorrect Jokes

A little something to offend everyone. I did warn you

I’ve just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him ‘I wish I had your will power.’

I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said ‘Nope, you’re still black’

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong??’
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’. ‘Oh bejaysus’. The man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m going to take that.

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

I had a Trivia competition all sown up until the last question which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair??’
The answer I should have given was Fiji

When U Black, U Black

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas.

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK.

NOW, You ‘white’ folks……

When you’re born, you’re PINK,
When you grow-up, you’re WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you’re cold, you turn BLUE,
When you’re scared, you’re YELLOW,
When you get sick, you’re GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GRAY.

So why y’all be callin’ us COLORED Folks?

Two Aliens

It’s a long way to go for a punch line but it’s worth it!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings,Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.’ The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’ The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s naughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’

Successful Party Test

So, how do you tell if you’re throwing a successful, kick-ass, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!

Festivity Level One
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

Festivity Level Two
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing “I Gotta Be Me.”

Festivity Level Three
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction”.

Festivity Level Four
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don’t want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don’t arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn’t you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: “We’ve come in response to the complaints.”
You: “Complaints? It isn’t about the drugs, is it?”
Police: “No, sir, not drugs.”
You: “The guns, then? They’re complaining about the guns?”
Police: “No, sir. It’s about the noise.”
You: “Oh, that’s all right then. ‘Cause there sure aren’t any guns or drugs here, heh heh.”
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: “Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?”
Police: “No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas.”
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]
You: “There, you see? It’s winding down already.”

Who Says I Can’t Fly Drunk