Charlie Chaplin – Factory Scene – Modern Times (1936)
And Here I Thought High School Was Over
Scientists rushing to make a vaccine faster than any in the history of the world because Americans refuse to significantly try to stop COVID is basically the macro level of nerds having to do the whole group project while the cool kids just go to a party.
Sayings Of The Jewish Buddha
• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
• Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
• The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
• Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
• Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
• Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas):
“If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle.”
In an attempt to eat healthier my sister made a vegetarian stir fry for dinner. Her 6 year old son looked at the dish and with a confused look on his face said, “Mommy, are we eating compost tonight?”
I met my first boyfriend when I was in college. When my high school friend found out I was dating someone, she said, “This really gives me hope, because if Amy can find a man, anyone can.’
Once while playing “castle” with a three year old they told me I couldn’t be a princess because princesses are pretty.
Mom: Be good or Santa will bring you coal for Christmas.
4 year-old me: What does Santa bring bad mommies and daddies?
Mom: Well last time I got you.
I was born on Christmas Eve…
Someone at my gym once told me, “You’re doing great! First time?”
I’d been working out there for six years.
After my heavily pregnant wife and I explained to our two year old daughter about how her new baby sister was in “Mummy’s belly”, she looked over at me and said “…baby in daddy’s belly too?”
My brother wrote a book about our childhood and killed me off in the first chapter.
I once overheard my parents complain about me, so I shouted from my room “you chose to have me!” and my dad shouted back “l wouldn’t be so sure about that!”
My wife cooks home made dinner just about every night. One night, she just baked frozen chicken nuggets. My 7 year old daughter says, “Momma, that was the best dinner you ever made”.
My husband, the cook, went out of town, and I asked the children what they wanted me to make for dinner. They said they didn’t need to eat.
In February, Facebook created Friends Day videos for its users. But I got this message:
“Friendship is all about the moments we share together. It looks like we don’t have enough content to make a video for you this year but check back next Friends Day.”
My mother once told me she thought three kids was the perfect number.
I’m her fourth.
One time in dance class, my teacher was trying to emphasize putting your all into your performance. She told the class “Take Geena for example. She may not be the best dancer but she performs her heart out every time.”
My sister told me I had something on my chin. After I rubbed it, she said, “No. the other one”.
Had lunch and went to pay. Realized they charged me too little. Oh you get the senior discount said the 19 year old waitress. I was 35 years old.
My nose was bleeding really bad and I said to my friend ” calm down, I won’t die!”
My physics teacher was there and said “unfortunately”.
My son refused to mess up his hair by wearing a hat on a cold day. He looked at my receding hairline and said, “I’m going to enjoy it while I still have it”.
As a teenager my best friend and I were talking about our troubles with boys. She said to me: “When a guy asks you out you at least know that he’s not superficial”.
Clothes shopping with my sister. Doing the requisite fashion show at the dressing rooms.
I came out in an outfit and her response is “Pass, not flattering”. It was the clothes I came in.
In high school I was trying to lose weight and to make me think I was gaining weight, my sister started shrinking my clothes in the dryer.
When I was 8 1 asked my mom if she wanted to keep my art project and she said ‘no thanks’.
Be Careful How You Break Up With Someone
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she emailed picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He emailed the picture to her parents with a note saying, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!”.
Good Responses To Being Stabbed With A Sword
• Oh no I’m allergic
• It sword of seems like you’ve got a problem with me
• Laughter. Not the word “laughter”, just laughing
• Sure it’s the thought that counts and I appreciate the sentiment but does this gift come with a receipt?
• You wound me. Literally, you just, actually wounded me.
• That thing is really sharp!
• Wouldn’t it have been hilarious if I just flew back like balloons do when you pop ‘em? Can you even imagine? god. Just do it again, pretend the first time didn’t happen. Come on, please.
• Grabbing the sword by the blade, pulling it out, handing it back to them and saying ‘You dropped this”
• That’s unfortunate
• It could be worse
• This isn’t really how I pictured my day going when I woke up this morning, but who am I to complain?
The Policeman Makes A Mistake
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman had to slam on her brakes. As her tires screeched to a sudden stop, she hit the horn. Then she started screaming in frustration over her missed chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup in the process. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her half-open window. She stopped her cursing and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said: “I’m very sorry for your experience. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.”
“Obviously I made a mistake, but for some reason I assumed you had stolen the car.”
You Might Be A Nurse If…
When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient’s bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
Men assume you might be great in bed because of the 9 million porn movies about nurses.
Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.
Can I Come Over To?
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
Would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
One Of The Most Versatile Words In The English Language
Sexual: Let’s fuck.
Mischief: Let’s fuck with them.
Aggression: Let’s fuck them up.
Anger: fuck you.
Regret: fuck me!
Resignation: Oh, fuck it!
Surprise: Holy fuck!
Puzzlement: What the fuck?
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Fraud: I got fucked over.
Identification: Who the fuck are you?
Philosophical: Who gives a fuck?
Compliment: She’s so fucking beautiful.
Confusion: Where the fuck are we?
Wonder: What the fuck is that?
Amazement: How the fuck did he do that?
Threat: Don’t fuck with me!
Realization: I fucking knew it!