Hilarious Hanukkah Medley
I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ For Christmas
Why Hanukkah Is Better Than Christmas
1. There is no “Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special”
2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
3. No need to clean the chimney.
4. There’s no latke-nog.
5. Burl Ives doesn’t sing Hanukkah songs.
6. You won’t be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
7. You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown”.
8. No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl”.
9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterward.
10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Money At Christmas
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
~ Dave Barry ~
Every December the Christmas season brings a temporary end to the economic recession – and every January sees the recession back with double power!
Christmas: A widely celebrated end-of-the-year profit scam.
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Christmas is an annual commercial carnival which celebrates the birth of the Shopping Centre, usually lasting about four horrible months and starting earlier every year. Next Christmas is expected to start in August.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~ Johnny Carson ~
Short Hanukkah Jokes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nothing rhymes with Hanukkah
The war on Hanukkah begins if you forget to call your mom to wish her happy holiday.
Tomorrow is the 4th night of Hanukkah presents. Or as Jewish kids call it, “Thanks for the socks, Mom & Dad.”
Hanukkah Christmas Tree
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbors windows, Nathan asks his father, ‘Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?’ ‘What? No, of course not.’ says his father. ‘Why not?’ asks Nathan again. Bewildered, his father replies, ‘Well, Nathan, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.’
Sweaters for Hanukkah
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, ‘Aaron, what’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?’
Hanukkah must be the easiest time of the year to be a Jewish arsonist.
Santa Jokes For Adults
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
Q: What do you call a broke Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less
Q: Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
A: To keep her off the North Pole.
Q: What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?
Q: What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
A: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.
Q: What’s the difference between Santa and a knight?
A: One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Q: Why did the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because his wife was a total flake.
Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are ornamental.
Wanna see the North Pole? …At least that’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.
Q: What’s Santa’s safe sex tip?
A: Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.
Top Ten Hanukkah Holiday Movie Rentals
10) Three Men And A Bubbie
9) A Few Hood Mentches
8) The Cohenheads
7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
6) Shalom Alone
5) Goyz `N The Hood
4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
3) The Wizard Of Oys
2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
1) Prelude To A Bris
10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus
• There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
• No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
• Buy one big brown belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
• You’d always work in sensible footwear.
• You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
• There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
• Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
• You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
• You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
• No one would ask to see your job description.
Top 10 Reasons to Like Hanukkah
10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
The 10 Best and Funniest Uses for Fruitcake
1. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
2. Give it to the cat for a scratching post
3. Use as boat anchor
4. Use as bricks when building your house – or just your fireplace
5. Use it as a seat at a stadium event
6. Stand on it when you change a light bulb
7. Use it to hold up your car when changing tires
8. Use as defensive weapon – suitable both as repellent and heavy, blunt instrument
9. Replaces free weights when you work out
10. Use as book ends – preferably at some library far away from your home
More Christmas Jokes
As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
Husband: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Wife: “A divorce!”
Husband: “Can you think of anything cheaper?”
Kid: Mom You can delete the train set from my Christmas wish list.
Mother: Why is that?
Kid: Yesterday, I found one in the closet
Father: My son, who brings the presents for Christmas?
Father: No, I mean the fat man with the beard.
Son: Edward, the postman?
One day, Santa saw a young deer with a glowing nose of red…he smiled at him and waved to young creature. The deer dropped his bottle of gin and exclaimed “Oh Sh!t…it’s Santa!” And ran away. Santa rubbed his beard and shook his head. “I think I’ll call that one Rude-off.”
If Hanukkah & Christmas Merged
Following the modern trend of huge company mergers, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge! A holiday industry leader said at an office party that the deal had been in the works for thousands years.
According to their press release, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah will benefit both sides. We will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the projected holiday is being called.
Some layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being let go first. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the drediel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider customer base .
While they were at it, the translating of “A great miracle happened there,” was changed to the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.”
During the merger, it is believed that Jewish people will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the more pressing points that had been holding up the merger for the past 200 years was if Santa could have the milk and cookies after eating a hamburger.
Another breakthrough happened, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokeswoman for Christmas, wouldn’t speak on camera about adding Kwanzaa in the near future. She merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. She then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”