If Disney Princes Were Real
The U.S. Men’s Heterosexual Figure Skating Championship
Honest Valentine Day Cards
• You suck…less then most people
• You’re a little crazy…but I still love you
• I love you more then I hate your farts
• I’d totally shave my legs for you!
• It started with a kiss…an awkward and slightly drunken look across the bar
• I love you more than chocolate
• You’re the best thing in my life, (besides wine)
• There is nobody else I’d rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to
• You treat me like I’m a unicorn, even when I’m an ass
• I knew I loved you when I farted and you didn’t run away
• I’m so glad your as weird as me
• Your crazy completes my crazy
• I tolerate you
• You’re the one I text when I’m drunk. That’s love
• You are my favorite pain in the ass
• I’d let you see my browser history
• I would press pause for you
• I love you even when you hog the covers
• I love you so much, because you put up with my parents
• I love you even though I sometimes think about suffocating you in your sleep
• The only thing I love more then you is Netflix
• I gave you my wifi password. That’s Love
• I Like, Like, You
• I’m still not sick of you
• Happy valentines day MILF/DILF
• Weed be perfect together. But only when were both hi
• You’ll do
• I still wouldn’t give up my cat for you
• Your ass is so nice it’s a shame you have to sit on it
• To my sexy sweetheart, I know a good thing when I see it…so…can I see it?
• Your my favorite thing to do
• Roses are red, foxes are clever. I like your butt, let me touch it forever!
• I want to wish you a happy valentines day, but if this card isn’t going to get you naked, I really don’t see the point
• To my wonderful rebound! You will never make me as happy as my ex did. But thanks for trying!
• Bees are yellow, lipstick is pink. We should just stay friends I think.
• Together forever…because of the kids
• I love you because the hassle of being with you is less the hassle of dating again.
• I love you because I’m starting to run out of options
• Together were stronger…financially
• I love the shit out of you
A Redneck Valentine’s Day Poem
Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.
You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gun rack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…
It’s a new trollin’ motor!!
Quite The Cure
A woman went to the doctors’ office and was seen by one of the new physicians. After a few minutes in the examining room, she burst out and ran down the hall screaming. An older doctor stopped and asked her what was wrong and after she explained, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
He then went straight to the first doctor and demanded, “What is the matter with you? Mrs. Thomas is a 65 year old woman with three grown children and six grandchildren, and you tell her she’s pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups, didn’t I?”
MY NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!
I am seeing 6 gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, WILL POWER helps me get out of bed then I go to see JOHN
Then CHARLIE HORSE comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves, ARTHUR RITIS shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I’m really tired & glad to go to bed with BEN GAY.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I’m also flirting with AL ZYMER. And I am thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper …the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes…
so have fun, think ‘good thoughts’ only, learn to laugh at yourself, and Count your blessings!
Types of Penises
• The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very smart.
• The American Express Penis: Don’t leave home without it.
• The M&M Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
• The Reeses Penis: How do you eat your Penis?
• The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin’.
• The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop.
• The Virginia Slims Penis: You’ve come a long way, baby.
• The Charmin Penis: Don’t squeeze the Penis!
• The Domino’s Pizza Penis: Delivers in 30 min or less.
• The Lay’s Penis: Betcha can’t eat just one.
• The Flintstones Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing.
• The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.
• The Barq’s Penis: The one with bite.
• The Allstate Penis: You’re in good hands.
• The McDonald’s Penis: Over 8 billion served.
• The Life Call Penis: It’s fallen and it can’t get up.
• The Lucky Charms Penis: It’s magically delicious.
• The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
• The Campbells Soup Penis: Mmm Mmm good.
• The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
• The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
• The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.
• The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin’ and keeps on….
• The Wendy’s Penis: Where’s the beef?
• The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
Work Vs Play
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says,
‘My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.’
The man thinks: ‘ What does a priest know about sex?’ So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority; a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ‘ My son, sex is definitely play.’
The man replies, ‘Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?’
The Rabbi softly speaks,
‘If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence…a life sentence.
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
4. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
a. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
b. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
c. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
6. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
7. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
8. It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
9. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
10. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
11. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
12. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
13. There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
14. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
15. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
16. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
17. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is keeping his promise.
18. A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive.
19. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
20. A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
Real Men Vs. Most Men
The difference between Real Men and Most Men:
Real Men….put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men….pretend you’re not there when their mothers call.
Real Men….know what they want to be doing a few years down the road.
Most Men….aren’t sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Real Men….claim to be feminists, but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men….claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive and pay for dinner.
Real Men….make lots of money before they’re 30.
Most Men….make lots of mistakes before they’re 30.
Real Men….wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons and shoes with laces.
Most Men….wear high school t-shirts they’ve actually had since high school.
Real Men….read Crichton, watch Rather, and play golf.
Most Men….read King, watch The Simpsons, and play poker.
Real Men….balance their checkbooks.
Most Men….balance their loans so that they never hit up the same friend twice in a row.
Real Men….know how to make you relax.
Most Men….know how to make you laugh.
Real Men….order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men….bring their own beer.
Real Men….start up their own businesses.
Most Men….quit their jobs.
Real Men….have a fear of becoming their fathers.
Most Men….have a fear of becoming Real Men.
Having A Wonderful Time
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. After hours of making love, they’re just laying there, when the phone rings.
Since it is her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens, only being able to hear her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheerful voice, she says, “Hello? Oh, hi there. I’m so glad you called. Really? Oh, that’s wonderful. I’m very happy for you. It all sounds terrific. Thanks. Okay. Bye for now.”
“Who was it?” her lover asks, as she hangs up the phone.
“Oh, that was my husband,” she replies. “He was telling me what a wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
The Top Ten Signs You Have The Wrong Lawyer
1. Instead of “Objection!” he keeps yelling, “Bingo!”
2. She keeps asking you things like, “Would it kill you to say you did it?”
3. Your legal team is suing each other because someone ate the last bagel.
4. The only motion he’s made has been rubbing his crotch.
5. He giggles uncontrollably every time anyone says the word “briefs.”
6. He’s incredulous that he lost the case and says, “Well, it worked on Judge Judy!”
7. Instead of “Your Honor,” your attorney addresses the judge as “Player.”
8. She’s drinking rum and cokes for breakfast in the parking lot.
9. Half of his previous clients have tried to kill him.
10. His law degree is from the University of Baghdad.