Johnny Carson & Doc Severinsen Talk Thanksgiving Plans on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show – 1979
Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
• Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
• When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.
• Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the DVD player, when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular TV.
• Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
• The day after Thanksgiving, just after the mid-meal leftovers, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”
We gathered together to eat some raw turkey
Cuz Mother forgot you should thaw it out first.
The gravy was lumpy and daddy was grumpy
We stifled our laughs til we thought we would burst.
The Jello was runny, the corn tasted funny,
The biscuits you couldn’t cut through with a knife.
The yam casserole overflowed the big bowl;
This was the worst dinner I’d seen in my life
Our mother had taken some pieces of bacon
And crumbled them up in the cold pumpkin soup.
The scalloped tomatoes were like scorched potatoes.
She’d made enough slaw for a whole boy scout troop.
Then mom started cryin, but there’s no denyin’
Our Thanksgiving dinner had lost its appeal.
Mom said, “That’s enough,”she got up in a huff,
Then cleared off the table and served us oatmeal.
Black Friday Reality
Black Friday. The Special Olympics of capitalism.
Today is Black Friday, with in store discounts of 100% available to those who adopt the behavior of our distant cousins for the day.
Make sure the clothes you buy on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.
Black Friday a.k.a. Battlefield. ‘Now remember what I taught you! Push, shove, grab, yell, and if needed tackle! Get out there and make Grandma proud!’
Yeah! My medical bills for the Black Friday store fights were less what I saved!
Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.
Black Friday should actually be called the “The Hunger Games”. People kill each other and the winner gets a $20 crock pot.
Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.
I hope your Black Friday injuries aren’t so severe that you can’t click a mouse on Cyber Monday.
Happy Thanksgiving to someone I’d have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.
Hope you enjoyed Black-and-Blue Friday at Walmart.
Q: What do people eat on Black Friday?
A: Whatever they couldn’t finish on Thanksgiving Thursday.
Who needs teeth and a shoe with great bargains like this!?!
“When the cashiers were ordered to ‘fix bayonets’ I retreated.”
You shop to the butt crack of dawn with the crazies to save a few $. I’ll spend Thanksgiving time being grateful for my family, cyber shopping & sleep.
The Silver Lining To The Burning Question, You Burnt The Bird?
• Salmonella won’t be a concern
• No one will overeat.
• Everyone will think it’s Cajun Blackened.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newly found appreciation.
• Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
• After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
• The less turkey Uncle George eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
• You’ll get to the desserts quicker.
• You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
What Do You Mean Your Getting Divorced!
An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The conversation goes as follows.
Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news … but your mother and I, we are getting a divorce …
Son: WHAT?? You can’t! What about -
Dad: I’m sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)
The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The conversation goes as follows.
Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A … A … DIVORCE!!
Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN’T! You stay put. I’ll call you right back!! (CLICK)
The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation goes as follows.
Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!
Dad: Honey, listen -
Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING! I’M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE’LL BE THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON’T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)
The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to align it to his liking. He looks at his wife and says “Well, they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what shall we tell them on Christmas?”
Redneck Medical Definitions
1. Artery: the study of paintings.
2. Bacteria: back door to the cafeteria.
3. Barium: what doctors do when patients die.
4. Cauterize: made eye contact with her.
5. Dilate: to live long.
6. Enema: not a friend.
7. G.I. Series: world series of military baseball.
8. Hangnail: what you hang your coat on.
9. Tumor: one plus one more.
10. Medical Staff: a doctor’s cane.
11. Morbid: a higher offer.
12. Nitrates: cheaper than day rates.
13. Node: knew it.
14. Outpatient: a person who has fainted.
15. Recovery Room: place to do upholstery.
16. Terminal illness: getting sick at the airport.
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds Definitions
40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: Caustic
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn’t count
The Shortest Books Ever Written
• Everything men know about women
• The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
• Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
• Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
• Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
• Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
• Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him something worse.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I don’t care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at my age.
NEW TURKEY RECIPE
You should try this!
Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests’ faces…
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!