When You Want To Make A Statement
10 Reasons To Buy A New Car
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there’s a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
7. The 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal “The Club.”
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
All Hail SATAN!!!
It’s time to burn the incense
It’s time to slay the sheep
It’s time to wake the Muppets
from a thousand years of sleep
It’s time to raze existence.
It’s time to banish light.
It’s time to call the void in,
On the Muppet Show tonight.
The Mom Dictionary!
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom’s other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
When a millennial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes, I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker
10. You ticked him off once, and your next phone bill was for $20,000.
9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”
1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
I Always Wondered Why
I bet it’s called “Almond Milk” because nobody can say nut juice with a straight face.
Truths About Marriage
Before you marry a person should first make them a use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are
My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup.
I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Husband: Talk dirty to me
Wife: I’m not wearing any underwear because you never put the fu(king laundry in the fu(king dryer like I asked you to 100 fu(king times.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices, you were one of them
If at first, you don’t succeed…
Try doing it the way your wife told you
When I say! “I won’t tell anyone”, my husband doesn’t count
Every time you-talk to your wife, you should always remind yourself…
“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes”
Saw the look on the face of a guy sitting on the curb so I went to give him a dollar. He gave it back & said “I’m not homeless… I’m married”
Dating texts: “Baby, I don’t feel good”
Married texts: “I’ve had diarrhea seven times today.”
My husband thinks I’m crazy. But I’m not the one who married me
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong
Three out of four marriages end in failure
If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won’t open, would you still jump?
Marriage, because who says your shitty day has to end when, you leave work?
Marriage is simple
Your wife does whatever she wants, and you do whatever she wants
How to tell if a woman is mad at you
L. She’s quiet
2. She’s yelling
3. She acts the same
4. She acts different
I Did Not Need To Be Reminded Of This
When you realize that 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918.
I’m just going to need a minute
Yes, I Do Know Them All
If you can’t remember why you walked into the room, but you can remember the rest of these jingles…you are my people.
1. “My bologna has a first name”
2. “I don’t wanna grow up”
3. “Gimme a break, gimme a break”
4. “The best part of waking up”
5. “Sometimes you feel like a nut”
6. “I’d like to teach the world to sing”
7. “Reach out and touch someone”
8. “If you dare wear short shorts”
9. “They’re magically delicious”
10. “Meow, meow, meow, meow”
Yes, Of Course That Happens
My Kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff.
Me: Like what?
My Kid: Like if I don’t clean my room a portal will open and take me to another dimension.
Me: Well, that’s what happened to your older brother.
My Kid: What older brother?