If Ice Cream Required A Prescription
• Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.
• It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.
• You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.
• There would only be one flavor, black licorice.
• It’ll take 20 years for a generic ice cream to come out and it’ll be black jelly bean flavored.
• Sprinkles will be extra. And they will come in only 1 color.
• To get a prescription for Ice Cream you need to first prove you’re not lactose intolerant. The test will involve swallowing radioactive milk and being x-rayed over 3 days to track the milk’s progress. This test will cost $2,500
• Insurance will not cover the test
• Ironically enough an ice cream black market will spring up offering vanilla for $25 a scoop.
• The list of side-effects will include brain freeze, a form of headaches. People with migraines and headache will not be able to get a prescription for ice cream.
You Try To Do A Good Deed
I tried donating blood today…
Too many stupid questions.
Who’s blood is it?
Where did you get it from?
Why is it in a bucket?
Bad Excuses for Missing Work
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.
I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead
The voices in my head told me to clean all the guns today.
The dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.
And Where Are You Going?
I was stopped by the police around 2 am this morning. The officer asked me where I was going at that time.
I replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late”.
The officer replied, “Oh really… and who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
My Town Is So Tough…
• Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
• Ice-cream trucks play “taps”.
• Gun shops have “Back to School” sales.
• High school newspapers have obituary columns.
• Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
• Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.
• Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.
• Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
• Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
• Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
• “Honor students” practice saying, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor”.
• Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
• Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.
From The Politically Correct Bedtime Stories Series
…The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way”…
And then he ate her.
Deadly Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
1. “I finished the Oreo’s.”
2. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
3. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.”
4. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever.”
5. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
6. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
7. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
8. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous. Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
10. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
11. “Get your “own” ice cream.”
12. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
13. “Got milk?”
14. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
15. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
16. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…
17. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”
MEN: ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM MENSTRUAL CRAMPS?
• Do you have monthly cramping and pain in the lower abdomen and upper groin?
• Do these cramps interfere with work, sports, parenting or fun?
• Do you have monthly gas-like pain with no associated “release”?
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Study to evaluate investigational treatments for this disorder.
Qualified male volunteers will receive fully sterilized study-related care at no cost.
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YOU CAN GET HELP!
Scammers Getting Fucked By Callers
Got a call from “the social security administration”. I asked for the company’s address and he paused and then said “New York, America”.
Yeah. Got a call from the “duct cleaning” people. I told them I don’t have ducts, I have geese…
They just hung up on me and haven’t bothered me since.
My friend speaks English, Spanish and Russian. He would just start randomly switching between languages and each language had a different personality. He would confuse them into total submission. They rarely called back.
The thing that gets them is wasting their time. They are getting paid to make calls so the longer you keep them on the better. One thing I like to do is start a rambling story that goes no where like Grampa Simpson does on ‘The Simpsons’.
You know: “Survey? Yes, I’ve taken some surveys in my time, why, I even worked on one. Now I think it was in ’06, or was it ’07? No, it must have been ’06 because that was the Winter I crashed my Buick. God I miss that old car! It was such a beautiful shade of green like the jungle, now, I’ve been to the jungle and BOY do they have mosquitoes…”
Got a call that there was a virus on my computer told them that was impossible as I throw my computer into the river so the cops couldn’t get any evidence on me. Haven’t heard from them since.
Saying something like, Welcome to Jim’s whore house. You got the dough we got the hoe.
About once or twice a week I would get the “Microsoft Support” phone call. For about 3 weeks, I would hang up on them. After about a month of this, I decided to jack with them. I let them give their line about how my computer is sending them error, blah, blah, blah, blah. I kept responding with, “interesting”, “ok”, “fascinating”, etc.
When they said that they wanted to connect to my computer, I told them that this would be difficult. They asked why, I told them that they called the server room for the Pentagon. I do not think I have ever heard anyone hang up quicker.
The phone scam that puts you through to someone who says you have been in a accident, no longer calls me because I just keep telling them an elephant ran out in front of my car and it was a hit and run and I didn’t get the plate.
Answer the phone. Connect to an agent, mute your phone and carry on with what you were doing. They quickly take you off their dialers when you waste their agents time.
I get a call from a random pharmaceutical company saying that my supply if Viagra is ready for pick up. I told him that I had a complaint regarding the Viagra. I said that I only took half a pill and now only half of my PP was hard. Now my base is hard but the tip was soft and I was pissed. I kept going on this Viagra rant for about a minute or so and then they hang up. Happened twice and my friends are still laughing.
I took a call from the “I hear you’ve had an accident that wasn’t your fault” call that I get about once a week. It’s automated at first, but as soon as I said yes I got put through to someone.
I spent 20 mins explaining how someone reared into my lane and crashed into me and it wasn’t my fault, at the end when they asked me for details of the damage I explained that they bent the handlebars a bit but the bicycle was mostly OK. They hung up on me and I haven’t back from them for about a month.
Told them that I was a member of their branch a floor above them and that they misdialed. They said “Fuck you” and hung up. Didn’t get a call back from them for a few months.
I always hit the button to speak with a person or get more info, or sometimes they call with a live person to begin with. I put on my ‘sexy’ low voice and say ‘hey baby, how you doin?’. They usually hang up immediately. If not my next response to whatever they say is ‘that sounds really hot, what are you wearing?’.
Pretty close to 100% hang up and don’t call back.
“Hello! Federal Bureau of Investigation, Telemarketing Fraud Department, how may I help you!”
I got a call, started reeling off this massive script. Finished probably after 2 minutes of solid talking, and I politely sat through the whole thing.
I paused and said “…Sorry?”
She said “again” and started the whole script again from the start.
Another 2 minute solid talk-wall later, I said “…Sorry?”
This time, there was a bit of frustration in her voice. “AGAIN” and once again did the whole 2 mins again, aggressively this time.
“fuck this” and the call ended.
Would receive a specific one 9 times out of 10, “Your car warranty is about to expire, press 1 if you’d like to be connected to a representative.”
So I would oblige, wait for someone to come on the line and say “Make, Model and Year of your vehicle,” which i usually followed up with “2013 HasBro ATV or 2017 Little Tikes Tricycle” or something of that nature. I must have become a famous caller because they only called maybe 6 times after I started doing that and they always started with “Oh look who it is.” Eventually, it just stopped. I assume it’s because they were tired of wasting their time on someone who was wasting their time.
Just ask them if they want to buy sex toys or something, just present yourself as a salesman of another company.
I asked them for THEIR social security and they hung up on ME. Wack.
So That’s Why People Raise Them
One summer day, a city dog was taken to a vet in Maine following an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prising, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its lady owner.
‘How much do I owe you?’ she asked.
‘Forty dollars,’ replied the vet.
‘Forty dollars? That’s outrageous!’ she cried. ‘That’s the trouble with you Maine people – you’re always trying to overcharge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter when we’re not being conned?’
The vet replied: ‘Raise porcupines, ma’am.’