This Is Every Meeting You’ve Ever Been In … OMG ALL OF THEM
If you’re stressed, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others…
• Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
• Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
• This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• You! Off my planet!
• Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
• I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
• If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
• And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
• I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
• Better living through denial.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
The Schitt Family History
The Schitt Family History is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says
“You don’t know Jack Schitt!”
Read on and you’ll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, now if someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but everyone on the Schitt list!
The Darwin Awards are out. This annual honor is given to the person/s who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves, in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year’s winner was a real rocket scientist – HONEST! Read on..and remember that every one of these is TRUE. The nominees were:
A young Canadian guy, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided to ‘moon’ the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
A 22-year-old male resident of Reston, Virginia was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground. Police say the apparent cause of death was ‘Major trauma.’
A man in Alabama died from multiple rattlesnake bites. It seems he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Award candidate – was hospitalized.
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of gas leaking in the building. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched to deal with the incident. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described seeing one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to 3 miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ”bright” by his peers.
Drum Roll Please….and now, The Winner of this year’s Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):
An Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Policy investigators finally pieced together the mystery.
An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a J A T O (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit, which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra ‘push’ for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He then attached the J A T O unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the J A T O!
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the J A T O ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The J A T O, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 pilots under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the journey.
The Chevy automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
• Give religious pamphlets to each passenger.
• Meow occasionally.
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Frown and mutter, “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” while continuously pushing buttons.
• Holler, “Chutes away!!” whenever the elevator descends.
• Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, then say, “Mmmmm…..tasty!”
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers “through” it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
• Play the accordion.
• Shadow box.
• Say, “Ding!” at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Say, “I wonder what all these do?” and then push ALL the red buttons.
I was in the VIP lounge last week on my way to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting in the corner enjoying a drink.
I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but he was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business.
I asked him if he would be willing to throw me a quick “Hello Chris” while I was with my client. He agreed.
A few minutes later while I was meeting with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, “Hi Chris, what’s happening?” To which I replied “Buzz off Gates, can’t you see I’m in a meeting!”
Hilarious Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Being A Woman
1. Another day, another 77 cents
— Paige (@PeachCoffin)
2. Ladies, never show panty lines!!!!!! It breaks the illusion that your pants are actually your skin!!!!!
— Lily Karlin (@lilykarlin)
3. I always feel like I’m forgetting something whenever I leave the house carrying less than like 9 purses full of garbage
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny)
4. Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn’t have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram)
5. boy: i wished girls liked sports girl: i like sports boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
— jor (@maliagif)
6. a girl never forgets her first time
— Kelgore Schureman (@KelgoreTrout)
7. sometimes i forget that men have the right of way on the sidewalk and i feel so silly !!
— mary houlihan (@maryhoulie)
8. Birth control pills are like cute little advent calendars for a really shitty holiday.
— Li’l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland)
9. Women’s deodorant scents: rose, cotton, spring, meadow Men’s: WINTER ICE, SHARKNADO, GLACIER PUNCH, ANTIFREEZE, GUN
— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd)
10. We asked 500 men what they look for in a woman and then set them adrift on a raft screaming, because just kidding who cares
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny)
11. Recipe for liberation as a woman: eat five man buns with heads still attached, claim new power
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin)
12. Hillary Clinton’s resting face is “I just sat through 50 years of mansplaining.”
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel)
13. Don’t hate the player, hate the social construct of performative masculinity, which encourages weak men to conform to a sexist narrative th
— Gwen (@msgwenl)
14. We should probably stop applauding men for marrying accomplished women as if they adopted a blind one-legged rescue dog
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky)
15. If you’re not a woman who’s laughing while doing yoga, your life is empty & meaningless.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley)
16. A cat-caller just said he wants to get “all up in my business” which is great because my taxes are complicated and I could use the help.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby)
17. The chick at this Starbucks who eyeballed the line for the women’s bathroom and then grandly swept into the men’s room is a true hero.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe)
18. 20 Things That Women Should Stop Wearing After The Age of 30 1-20: The weight of other people’s expectations & judgments
— maura quint (@behindyourback)
19. Run down the grocery aisle throwing things into your cart chanting “a woman’s right to choose!”
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin)
20. The moral of Beauty and the Beast is that looks don’t matter, as long as you’re a man.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt)
21. BRB, teaching a flock of parrots to say “what if that character was a woman?” And then releasing them in Hollywood
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom)
22. baby: d-dd-d parents: dada?!?! baby: DESTROY THE FUCKIN PATRIARCHY *guitar solo*
— brönwyn (@queenbronwyn)
23. thank god i found someone who loves me for who I am, who doesn’t mind my tetanus or my glibness or my octopus form in which I eat children
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman)
24. Coming back to work after getting your eyebrows threaded at lunch like
— Ailbhe Malone (@ailbhetross)
25. To the small girl who came to the desk with a fistful of correct change clutching Adventure Stories for Boys: YOU CRUSH THAT PATRIARCHY GIRL
— armchair books (@armchairbooks)
26. [first date] I just love that you are a normal, cool girl. *subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair* -Yeah, totally.
— molly (@MollySneed)
27. I invented a drink called the Grown Ass Woman: 3 fingers o’whiskey 2 ice cubes 1/2 pajammy jams (tops or bottoms) 1 night of canceled plans
— Danielle Henderson (@knottyyarn)
28. Don’t understand how women are given shit for doing sex work when there are men out there openly working as members of U2
— dr. dalia ☥ (@DALIAMALEK)
29. every single party where women listen interestedly to men is an extended piece of performance art, and men have NO IDEA
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis)
30. If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt)
31. The Venn diagram of men who say women take too long to get ready and men who ask if you’re sick when you’re not wearing makeup is a circle.
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom)
32. when it’s been 20 years and you’re still fed up of listening to men
— gina (@aIexdrakes)
Heart Health Advice
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
• ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
• CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Mobile Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her mobile phone in public any longer.
If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.