Friday Fun Stuff – 3-6-26

Dora The Grownup

Married Life – Best of British Humor

I Don’t Know What To Call These Either

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough.
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb.
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Covering It Up

Having gone to his secretary’s apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. “My God!” he shouted, “My wife is going to kill me!”

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. “Honey!” he began, “Don’t pay the ransom. I escaped!”

Male Drinking Habits

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

• Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
• Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
• Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
• Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
• Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
• White Zin: He’s gay.

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

Observations from Across the Nation

“Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men”
—Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

“The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.”
—Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

“Beauty is only a light switch away.”
—Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

“I’ve decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.”
—Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

“If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.”
—Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?”, it’s “Hi, how are you?”
—Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

“God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?”
—The Irish Times. Washington, DC

“It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”
—Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

“If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.”
—Revolution Books. New York, New York.

“Express Lane: Five beers or less.”
—Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ.

It’s Called Being Considerate

After a long, exhausting day, a commuter settled into his seat on the train and closed his eyes, hoping for a quiet journey home.

As the train pulled away from the station, the woman beside him took out her mobile phone and began talking — loudly.

“Hi sweetheart, it’s Sue. I’m on the train. Yes, I know it’s the 6:30, not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with Kevin from accounting — it was with the boss. Of course, sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure… cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still going at full volume.

Finally, the man beside her had had enough. He leaned over, spoke clearly into her phone, and said, “Sue, hang up and come back to bed.”

Performance Evaluation Translations

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

It’s Just A Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

Perks Of Reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you, too.

Don’t laugh…. It is all true!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run — anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER, Under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

Let’s Talk

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?

“OK”. she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

“Then how do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know Shit?”

One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn

I’m Sure There Is A Logical Way To Figure That Out