Beware Of The Doghouse
Rowan Atkinson – ‘The Conductor’
Funny Parents On Twitter
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Steps babies take to learn about the world:
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
Daughter: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down” So, yeah, she’s mine.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
MOMMY HELP HELP! ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door* 3YO: I want a snack.
My daughter took a three minute nap today which apparently means she never needs to sleep again.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Me: [in bathroom]
Me: Yeah pal
7yo: IT’S ME
Me: I know
7yo: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
“No man in his own home should have to choose between Frozen or Barbie band-aids” I yell to no one in particular.
Parenting is fun if you’re into things like cooking for people who aren’t hungry.
7yo: I’m beating you!
7yo: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7yo: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
New plan. Instead of exercising & eating better, I’m just going to tell everybody I’m 4 months pregnant. For the rest of my life.
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear In The Airport
10. “We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20.”
9. “I’m sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don’t yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.”
8. “Yes sir, we are aware of the bio-hazard tag on your luggage and no, you don’t want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase.”
7. “Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that’s why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He’s smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!”
6. “I’m sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package.”
5. “Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed.”
4. “For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing ‘turbulence,’ a common by-product of ‘air travel.’ Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we’ve safely landed.”
3. “Madam, please take your towel now, the tongs are melting.”
2. “We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila.”
1. “This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar… oh, crap!”
Answering machine at the Mental Hospital…
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline …
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man guy lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
You Might Be An Engineer If . . .
Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The sales people at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions
At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids’ toys together.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your computer than you did on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
You’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, “Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make.”
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend’s house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy’s mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
“I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of cake.”
“No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking.”
My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Suggested Rules For Cats
In order to have a smooth-running household, all cats should consider the following “rules”:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now rather than hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed:
- When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking
- Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table
- Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from
- Should you catch something of your own, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent — your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave
- Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to:
- jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly
- lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen
- the Direct Stare
- twining around people’s legs as they sit
- eat while meowing plaintively
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering”:
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself
- For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
- For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper!
- First, sit on the paper being worked on.
- When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
- When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
- After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. For some reason, humans love to jump when startled.
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I meant to do that!” It fools those humans every time.
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe you can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
“King of the Hill”
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the human(s) grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.
2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation….
3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6) What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8) I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
10) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write “A very good doctor.”
You Know Your Not Cool Anymore When…
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
• You don’t know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.