Q. What did G-d say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
Q. Why does a p@nis have a hole in the end?
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1.I’m too old/young for that stuff
|How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run these applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
New Relationship Book
“My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.’”New Women’s Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married.
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married.
The other 5% say that they don’t care, they love him and would have married him anyway.Factory Workers
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”
“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
|The Man Dictionary
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.””CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?””UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
“I HEARD YOU.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
|Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.
As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply:
___Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
|How To Piss A Man Off
Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.
Rub his stomach while saying, “Buddha, bring me luck.”
Call your mom while he’s listening and invite her to move in with you.
Tell him you’re pregnant and you’re ‘almost sure’ he’s the father.
Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer’s shorts the last time you were out for a night on the town with the girls.
Tell him that since you want to be closer to him all the time, you’re going to start using ONLY his razor to shave your legs.
Tell him you’ve always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Double points if you say this in front of his parents.
Tell him his brother is a much better lover.
Tie him to the bed, put on your sexiest lingerie and do a strip tease for him. Then have a long heart-to-heart talk with him.
Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put it back together and smile innocently while he goes nuts.
Buy one ticket to his favorite, sold out sporting event. Tell him, “It was the last one, but to avoid any hard feelings, I’ll tear it up so we don’t have to decide who goes.” Then burn it.
While he’s asleep, super glue his willie to his stomach. Tell him, “I was worried it would fall off and you’d lose it.”
Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.
Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blow job he’s ever had. Just before starting say, “Dammit. Chipped a tooth. Oh well, it won’t matter.”
Tie him to the bed and then paint his toenails a bright red.
|Pick Up Line Responses
These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:
Pick Up Line: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I and U together
Pick Up Line: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Pick Up Line: Where have you been all my life
Pick Up Line: I would die for you…
Pick Up Line: I’m all you’ve got good lookin’
Pick Up Line: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Pick Up Line: So what do you do for a living?
Pick Up Line: Is this seat empty?
Pick Up Line: So, wanna go back to my place?
Pick Up Line: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Pick Up Line: But I don’t know your name.
Pick Up Line: What’s your sign?
Pick Up Line: I know how to please a woman
Pick Up Line: “Your place or mine?”
Pick Up Line: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Man: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”
Pick Up Line: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Pick Up Line: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Pick Up Line: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Pick Up Line: “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
Pick Up Line: “I can tell that you want me.”
Pick Up Line: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Pick Up Line: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Pick Up Line: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Pick Up Line: “Your body is like a temple.”
Pick Up Line: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Pick Up Line: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Pick Up Line: Haven’t we met before?
(Women In Charge Of Everything)WICOE Is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN! OPEN TO MEN ONLY ALL ARE WELCOMENote: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participantsThe course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
We always hear “The Rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!1. Men are NOT mind readers.1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1, Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
|How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Men
He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time…
He is not balding…
He is not a cradle robber…
He does not get falling-down drunk…
He is not short…
He does not have a rich daddy…
He does not constantly talk about cars…
He does not have a hot body…
He is not unsophisticated…
He does not eat like a pig…
He is not a bad dancer…
He does not hog the blankets…
He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He is not afraid of commitment…
|What Guys Really Mean...
‘I’m going fishing.’
Really means… ‘I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.’
‘It’s a guy thing.’
‘Can I help with dinner?’
‘Uh huh,’ ‘Sure, honey,’ or ‘Yes, dear.’
‘It would take too long to explain.’
‘I’m getting more exercise lately.’
‘We’re going to be late.’
‘Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.’
‘That’s interesting, dear.’
‘Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.’
‘You expect too much of me.’
‘That’s women’s work.’
|7 Mistakes Women Make with Men
…And How to Save Your Relationship
Do you sometimes feel like you’re speaking English and he’s talking Martian? Chances are it’s more than bad communication. In this Lifescript exclusive, relationship guru Alison Armstrong reveals the 7 common mistakes women make with men, and how to relate to guys on their wavelength. Plus, find out if you’re in a healthy relationship…
Does this sound familiar? Your significant other hears criticism when you’re actually teasing him affectionately. Or he doesn’t ask about your job, and you’re hurt by his lack of interest. Are you a dysfunctional couple with bad communication skills?
No – just different genders.
“Women look at men and see a hairy, misbehaving woman,” says Alison Armstrong, author of Making Sense of Men: A Woman’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men (Pax Programs). “Her response is to train him, punish him or keep a distance from him.”
Women are “frog farmers”: They unwittingly turn princes – good guys – into “frogs” by trying to change them, says Armstrong, who has spent decades studying men and how women relate to them.
Her conclusion: You can’t change men, and once women accept their fundamental nature, their relationships can improve.
“We don’t need to disempower men; we have enough power of our own,” Armstrong says. “That’s what’s really cool. Men love strong, competent women. It’s the ‘What-do-I-need-you-for?’ attitude women often cop – that keeps men at a distance.”
Shrinking the distance is the core of Armstrong’s successful “Understanding Men” series of national seminars (UnderstandMen.com). The workshops demystify the opposite sex and help women view men as partners, not adversaries.
“The course was a total light-bulb moment for me,” says Cathi Yates, 51, of Athens, Ala., who attended Armstrong’s Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop. “My attitude and awareness about men has changed, and the way men respond to me has changed.”
Here are 7 common mistakes women make with men, according to Armstrong:
Mistake #1: Seeing men as misbehaving women.
“Otherwise he wouldn’t be misbehaving.”
But men are more forgiving than women. “They allow for mystery with women and find it fascinating.”
Want more man decoding tips? Check out 6 Things You Don’t Know About Your Guy.
Mistake #2: Reading into his words.
“It doesn’t mean he’s tired of you, bored of you or wants to break up with you.”
Mistake #3: Expecting his time to be yours.
“He doesn’t see it that way. Men have whole lives. They don’t consider they owe you all their time,” married or not, she says.
Men owe you their best effort to make you happy, and to love and respect you, Armstrong says. But expecting him to cater to you makes you appear “domineering, bitchy, disrespectful and disempowering.”
Mistake #4: Interrupting when he’s speaking.
“That’s how women mistakenly end up thinking men are shallow,” Armstrong says.
When interrupted, a man will just stop talking.
Instead, listen to what he says. When he’s finished, listen some more. That’s when the best nuggets often emerge.
Mistake #5: Thinking a man can multitask.
“We watch TV and knit a sweater; we drive and plan our day; we’re on the phone while checking email.”
Men don’t. Why? Because they’re hunters, Armstrong explains. They have to be single-focused to keep their eye on the target.
Mistake #6: Believing a man is ignoring you.
If he’s watching TV or dressing, “He’s just watching TV, just getting dressed,” Armstrong says. “We think he’s doing something and ignoring us because we can do that.”
No wonder most women feel abandoned!
“We keep our attention on [men], and we feel upset when their attention is not on us,” Armstrong says.
So next time your man’s ”hunter” kicks in – and you’re feeling disconnected – take a deep breath and remember: He’s wired differently; it’s not personal.
Mistake #7: Competing with a man’s mission.
Same thing goes when a man is immersed in a new business venture and less available.
“All his energy is going into this thing that he’s sure is going to provide for his family,” Armstrong says.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking he’d make more time for you if he cared more. It’s not about you. And forcing him to pay attention “will be excruciating for him,” Armstrong says.
But relationships are not a one-way street. Men need to understand women too.
In her coed workshop Understanding Women: Unlock the Mystery, Armstrong gives men the tools to change their interactions with women.
It’s healing for both sexes.
“Women sit in the course with tears running down their faces when they find out they’re not alone,” Armstrong says.
More than 3,000 women have attended Armstrong’s workshops, including 17-year-old Austen Kingsbury, of Simi Valley, Calif.
“It helped me understand and forgive a past breakup. It helps me communicate better with my father, and it helps me now with my current boyfriend,” Kingsbury says. “Girls and all women would definitely benefit from taking the course.”
Want more? Get the CD and DVD versions of Armstrong’s seminars at www.UnderstandMen.com/products/index.htm.
Are You in a Healthy Relationship?
Check out Health Bistro for more healthy food for thought. See what Lifescript editors are talking about and get the skinny on latest news. Share it with your friends (it’s free to sign up!), and bookmark it so you don’t miss a single juicy post!
How Important Is Makeup?
Ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes.
That’s why it’s so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.
Remember, if it weren’t for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn’t get a second look from most guys.
Men's Restroom Mural
Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.
The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects.
The result………well…..We all know that men never talk, never look at each other….
Reasons Why Pizza Is Better Than Boys
1. Calling for pizza at 2 a.m. is not a ridiculous request.
2. You can’t get in trouble for keeping pizzas in your freezer.
3. Your friends and family already approve of pizza.
4. You can dress up a pizza however you’d like.
5. Pizza will respect your decision to stay single and keep you company with no expectations of romantic involvement.
6. Every pizza can pull off being “cheesy.”
7. Pizza can be at your door in 30 minutes or less.
8. A surprise visit from pizza is always welcome.
9. You don’t mind claiming leftover pizza.
10. Pizza will always be there for you in your time of need.
11. You never have to settle with pizza — you can order exactly what you want, when you want it.
12. Even when pizza’s not hot, it’s desirable.
13. A date with pizza is never awkward.
14. Pizza knows how to be sweet in a subtle way.
15. You will not regret mixing pizza and alcohol.
16. With pizza, the only baby you need to worry about is a food baby.
click here to close
Eve's Chat With God
“Lord, I have a problem.”
“What is it, Eve?”
“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“And why is that Eve?”
“Lord, I’m lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“Man? What is that Lord?”
“A flawed creature with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time, but he’ll be bigger and faster and will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like playing cards and knocking a ball around. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,” but what’s the catch?”
“Well, you can have him on one condition.”
“And what’s that Lord?”
“Well, since he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret… you know, woman to woman.”