Friday Fun Stuff – 3-6-15

Zachary Quinto vs. Leonard Nimoy: “The Challenge”

Dora The Explorer Movie Trailer

50 Shades…..

Back and forth . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . in and out . . .
A little to the right. . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . and, trickling down the small of her back. . .
She was getting near to the end . . .!!

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . .
Again. . . and, again . . .

Her heart was pounding now. . .
Her face was flushed. . .
She moaned. . . softly at first, then began to groan louder and louder. . .

Finally. . . totally exhausted . . .she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted:

“OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park . . .You do it . . .!

A Guy’s Guide To Life

• Old people always have exact change.
• Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom “the little boys room.”
• Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.
• Sitcom characters watching porn always tilt their heads.
• White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.
• No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase, “Yeah, right” without sounding sarcastic.
• Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.
• The dumber the man, the louder he talks.
• The last people who should be having kids are always the first to do so.
• Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.
• The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
• Walking into staples and shouting, “Hey, where are the staples?” isn’t funny.
• Dogs with bandanas around their necks are not pleased with the accessory.
• Captain Crunch should be Admiral Crunch by now.
• Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
• There’s a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.
• People who begin sentences by saying “With all due respect,” are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.
• There’s no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.
• The best villains have accents and walk slowly.
• The wackier a doctor’s neckties, the less prestigious his medical school.
• Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent as clever as you think it is.

Newspapers…Yes they still exist.

Newspapers – should I change my subscription…and if so to which one?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country – if they could find the time, and didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions: if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist, dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

When Insults Had Class

”He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

”A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
– Winston Churchill

”I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

”Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

”Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

”He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

”I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

”I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

”He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

”I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend….if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

”Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill, in response

”I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

”He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

”I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

”He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

”He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

”He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

”There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
– Jack E. Leonard

”He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
– Robert Redford

”They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
– Thomas Brackett Reed

”He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
– James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

”In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand

”He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker

”Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

”He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”
– Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

”He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder

Getting Married

“Your honor”, explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.”

“All right, what is your age?”

“I’m 22, sir.”

“And the age of the bride?”

“She’s 15, sir.”

“15!? That’s too young — marrying you would be against the law!”

“I see,” said the young man. “Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”

Procrastinator’s Calendar

3 2 16 15 14 12 11 10 9 23 22
21 20 19 18 17 32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.

2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.

3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month’s last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day — Negotiation Day — has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

How To Be A Designated Driver

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

Relationship Observations

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There is 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

OLD Is When…

…your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

…you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

…”getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

…”getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?


Up-and-coming visionaries get chided all the time by the establishment. Here are some classics that inspired them to power on for the betterment of humanity:

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
Western Union internal memo, 1876

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s (Smith went on to found RCA)

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the heck wants to hear actors talk?”
H.M. Warner; Warner Brothers; 1927

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”
Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
Lord Kelvin; President, Royal Society; 1895

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet’.”
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer

“But what… is it good for?”
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
Bill Gates; 1981

Do You Think He Might Be Overcompensating For Something?
Do You Think He Might Be Overcompinsating For Something
I Know Computers Are Getting Smaller But…
I Know Computers Are Getting Smaller But...
Lemon Suicide
Lemon Suicide
Marry you? That’s The 10th Proposal That I’ve Had In The Last 15 Minutes!
Marry you That's the 10th proposal that I've had in the last 15 minutes!
You Mean I’m Actually Going To Need This Math Stuff?
You Mean I'm Actually Going To Need This Stuff
Queen Of The Not Natural Blonds
Queen Of The Not Natural Blonds
The Ultimate Mamma’s Boy
The Ultimate Mamma's Boy
Drinking On Duty Is Actually A Requirement In This Precinct
Drinking On Duty Is Actually A Requirement In This Presinct
If You Were That Scared Of The Sun Then Why Did You Come To The Beach?
If You Were That Scard Of The Sun Then Why Did You Come To The Beach
Rules For The Great Outdoors
Rules For The Great Outdoors

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Upload Files

Send Me Joke Suggestions