History Of The Predictive Text Swearing
Yes, People Were Always This Stupid
2020: “I can’t believe I have to say this, but don’t drink Lysol”
2021: “l can’t believe I have to say this but don’t take horse de-wormer”
2022: “l can’t believe I have to…you know what? Fuck it. Drink pee. I don’t even care anymore.”
Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects
1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?
5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
8. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.
I Would Never Had Thought We Would Have To Do This
I guess we should retire the expression, “Avoid it like the plague”, given how little effort people put into avoiding an actual plague.
What Store Employees Really Mean
1. “Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)
2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)
3. “Welcome to (Store Name Here)”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)
4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)
5. “Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)
6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)
7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)
8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)
9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)
10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)
It’s Strange To Work In A Hospital
You know, in a room there’s a father holding his son for the first time, in another room there’s a son holding his father for the last time.
And then in another room there’s a guy with a remote stuck in the anus.
It’s the circle of life.
Things NOT To Say To A Naked Woman…
• Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
• How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!
• You must be very experienced.
• Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
• Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.
• I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.
• Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.
• Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
• I heard carpenters dream about you.
• So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
• Look….I can get my whole arm in.
• It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
• Is that an optical illusion?
• If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.
• Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
• Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
• Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?
• I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
• Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
• I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
• Maybe if I get really wasted I won’t mind your body.
• You know they have surgery to fix that.
• Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
• Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
• Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
• I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
• You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
• You’re not ‘that’ fat.
• I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
• Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
Can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week.
More Ways To Annoy People
1. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
2. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
3. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
5. Drum on every available surface.
6. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
7. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
9. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
10. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
11. Set alarms for random times.
12. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
13. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
14. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
15. Honk and wave to strangers.
16. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
17. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
18. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
19. Wear your pants backwards.
20. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
21. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
22. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
23. only type in lowercase.
24. dont use any punctuation either
And For Some Reason That Definition Always Trips People Up
Irony: Using a device that transmits inordinate amounts of complex information tens of thousands of miles through thin air—via antennas and satellites—to convey to others that you “don’t trust science”
Employee Performance Evaluation Quotes
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”