Friday Fun Stuff – 1-5-24

The January Blues – Foil Arms and Hog

Sound Off – Key & Peele

Ain’t It The Truth

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability
- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law
- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath
- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result
- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument
- Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
- If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking
– A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law
- If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

19. The Law of Television Entertainment
As soon as you find a television program that you really like, it will be cancelled.

A Very Bad Day

Here’s something to think about the next time you’re having a bad day.

This was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998:

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and a face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast – some 20 miles away from the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making out like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a rapid breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10″ of the fire.

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%ing slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

And God Created Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third day, God created tuna, mice, and all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the ball of yarn, the feather thingie on a string, and the catnip mouse so that the cat might or might not be amused.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but the cat woke him up at 5:00 AM.

Things I’m Super Good At

1. Forgetting someone’s name 10 seconds after they tell me.
2. Buying produce…and throwing it away two weeks later.
3. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
4. Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
5. Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to dewrinkle. Then forgetting it again.
6. Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “fall asleep right now”.

Not When There Trying To Hit You

A man is standing on the curb preparing to cross the street. As soon as he steps down onto the pavement, a car comes screeching toward him. The pedestrian picks up speed, but so does the car. The man turns around and hurries back to the sidewalk, but the car changes lanes and heads directly for him. The petrified pedestrian freezes in the middle of the intersection. The car closes in on him and at the last possible second screeches to a halt.

The driver’s-side window rolls down, revealing a squirrel behind the wheel. “See,” sneers the squirrel, “it’s not so easy, is it?”

What Were You Thinking The Answers Were?

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
Answer: a seatbelt.

What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?
Answer: toothpaste.

What’s long and hard when it’s young and soft and small when it’s old?
Answer: a candle.

I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am l?
Answer: a nose.

What is soft and wet on the inside while hard and hairy on the outside? The word begins with “C,” ends in “T,” and there’s a “U” and an “N” between them.
Answer: a coconut.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, and everyone goes crazy over?
Answer: a hundred dollar bill.

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I before you do. What ami?
Answer: a tent.

What does a woman have of that a cow has four of?
Answer: legs.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Answer: the taste.

I’m spread out before being eaten. Your tongue gets me off. Sometimes people lick my nuts. What am l?
Answer: peanut butter.

Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
Answer: the guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand, plus a dozen donuts.

Who’s the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
Answer: the one who can eat the last donut!

You can’t taste it unless you undress it. What is it?
Answer: a banana.

When I go in, I can cause some pain. I’ll fill your holes when you ask me to. I also ask that you spit and not swallow. What am l?
Answer: the dentist.

I go in hard, come out soft, and you love to blow me. What am I?
Answer: bubble gum.

UFO’s

Two martians are watching Earth from the safety of their spaceship. “This is interesting,” says the first. “The biped species on this planet has developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

“Are they an emerging intelligence?” asks the second alien.

“I don’t think so. They have them all pointed at themselves.”

Yet More Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date

1. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
2. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
3. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
4. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
5. Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
6. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
7. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
8. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
9. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
10. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
11. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
12. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
13. Accuse your date of espionage.
14. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
15. Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.
16. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
17. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
18. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.
19. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.